EMINEM: Born Again!
Marshall Mathers, known also as Eminem and Slim Shady, has become a born-again Christian. Betty Bowers
gets the first interview to discuss his conversion. Hear his first Christian Rap song!
Take Me There NOW!>
3 Year Old Hates Jesus, Wishes Everyone Was Dead
"We locked him in the closet," Mrs. Ruxpin said. "We said, 'Teddy! you are not coming out of this
closet until you tell us YOU LOVE JESUS!'" An exorcism was arranged immediately.
Click For Story: Child Exorcism!>
Die, Already.
Mumbling satanic sermons, he waves his hand from balconies like some palsy drunk hailing a cab. The second thing to cross one's mind
- after Satan in a skirt -- is, "When is Lucifer going to call this old fool home?"
Click for full details>
The Shepherd's Purse
For Church Members Only!
If you are not a member of Landover Baptist Church, you are not authorized to view this page, your ISP number
will be traced and you will be served with a lawsuit for invasion of privacy within 30 days of viewing this page.
Members
Click Here for Details>
State of Iowa To Televise Executions
While an execution is clearly an occasion for celebration, one mustn't automatically reach for a
white dress, especially for executions after Labor Day. Front row seats available. Ticketmaster/AOL keyword "Iowa Executions."
Landover
Exclusive!>
Mrs. Christian USA!
Appearing once again with a few tricks up her sleeve, Sister Taffy defeats some formidable competition for the second consecutive year."
Click
Here for Review
It's Coming...
Our Annual "Hell-O-Ween" Issue. Scheduled for release, September 11th. Alert the unsaved media!
Click
Here for Recent Additions
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Midget Digested by Whale in Bible Re-Enactment
Last week, tragedy befell Napoleon Thumb, a recent Landover convert and
participant in Sister Taffy's
Dystrophic Dwarf Ministry. In his newfound
Christian zeal, Thumb attempted to prove the Bible true by re-enacting one of
its most controversial stories: Jonah and the whale. Thumb was placed in the
whale tank at Landover Zoo last Thursday in hopes of being swallowed for
three days and testifying about his experience at Sunday services. When
Thumb hadn't been swallowed after eight hours, zoo keepers discovered that
all of Landover's whales were apparently demon-infested since their mouths
and throats were measured at just a few inches. At Thumb's request, Dr.
Jonathan Edwards then surgically implanted him in the whale's belly. Dr.
Edwards realized the experiment may have gone awry when the whale excreted a
skeleton with a large skull attached to some very tiny bones. The whale was
immediately cut open but all Dr. Edwards discovered was a leather band with
metal studs that could easily fit around a lady's pinky.
Christian Youth Reports Parents
Christian Youth member Jimmy Lloyd turned his heretical parents in to the Landover
Subcommittee for Unchristian Activities yesterday. Eight-year-old Jimmy received a $500
referral fee for alerting church officials after his parents told him that God’s holy scripture regarding
the creation of Adam and Eve “is not literally true, but simply a parable written to teach greater truths.”
Jimmy has been placed in foster care pending the outcome of the full investigation of his parent’s blasphemous
views, which could lead to their expulsion from the church and the loss of their home at Leviticus Acres.
Get Your Feet Hot For Jesus!
Two parents were hospitalized after a scuffle following last Sunday’s “Get Your Feet Hot For Jesus” altar call.
As has become tradition, over 20 youngsters rushed to the front of the church at the end of Sunday’s 9 o’clock
service to witness for Jesus. Tiffany Holmes, 13, was awarded $1,500 for giving the “Most Original Testimony”
and Luke Wade, 11, was given a whack on the backside for giving the “Most Unoriginal Testimony.” Immediately
after the prizes were given, Luke became overcome with demons and started bellowing in an unchristian manner. Mrs.
Wade then climbed over her pew and physically attacked Mrs. Holmes, claiming that Tiffany had stolen all the good
parts of Luke’s testimony. Both women are listed in satisfactory condition at Landover Baptist Hospital.
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The Patriot!
Betty's GOP Notebook:
