September 2000

After five years of intense lobbying (and sizable campaign contributing), Godly Republicans, led by prominent Landover clergy, have convinced the Iowa legislature to authorize televised executions beginning September 1, 2000.  For the next three years, exclusive rights to the telecasts have been granted to WJHC-TV.  WJHC, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Landover Investments, Ltd., will pay the state $100,000 for each execution shown live and an additional $50,000 for each repeat broadcast.  The funds for these payments will come from advertising revenue generated by the broadcasts.  Thus far, the National Rifle Association, Republican National Committee and Right to Life Association have agreed to sponsor the first episodes.

"This is truly a glorious time for all members of our church," noted Pastor Deacon Fred.  "For years, Landover's youngest members have been forced to rely on stories told by those few Sunday school teachers lucky enough to have witnessed an execution, in order to have any inkling of what goes on.  Now, entire families can watch Godless sinners get what's coming to them in the comfort of their own living rooms."

State officials have consented to schedule executions so they will not interfere with evening Sunday services.  Some executions will occur at 8:30 p.m. Sunday, the time when lower tier Landover members are enjoying pot luck supper.  Large screen HDTV's will be placed in the large meeting hall, commissary and all church nurseries so those involved in worship, dining or baby-sitting will not miss the event.

To facilitate the broadcasts, WJHC plans to install three video cameras in the state's death chamber.  One camera will focus on the sinner from a distance, with the capacity for zoom-ins that can reveal the faintest tear or painful wince and magnify tiny freckles on even the darkest of skin.  A second camera will be attached to the light fixture directly above the demon's head to reveal all of his facial expressions and the contortions of his oversized nose as the life is choked from his body.  The final camera will be placed in the rafters, to scan the audience for its ecstatic reactions to the glorious event.

WJHC plans to precede each execution with a new 30-minute game show entitled: "Hit the Road (to Hell), Jack."  Brother Harry Hardwick, chairman of the board of HDTV, Inc., will host the program.  The three contestants in every episode will answer the same questions regarding the planned killing.  Brother Harry will read the facts of the case leading to the sinner's demise.  Based on those facts, the contestants will then be asked questions such as:  "What type of sinner was sentenced to death in this case? A. Negro, B. Mexican, C. Other foreigner. The winning contestant will earn front row seats for two at the execution incredible seats located just to the right of the victim's grieving family.

Other Landover members have already volunteered to assist in the production.  Tickets to each execution must be purchased at least one month in advance.  Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Undisputed Best Christian, will counsel all of the women holding orchestra level tickets in the proper attire for the event.  "This task is not as easy as you might think," noted Mrs. Bowers, dressed as usual in striking Prada evening wear.  "While this is clearly an occasion for celebration, one mustn't automatically reach for a white dress, especially for executions after Labor Day.  There are many other factors to consider, such as those which depend on where you are sitting.  For instance, if you're near the soon-to-be-dead sinner's lawyers and political allies, their faces will likely turn to an off-white color shortly before the injections.  One never wants to clash with those around them."

Tiffany O'Christian, drill team leader at Landover High and granddaughter of famed Landover member, Mrs. Judy O'Christian, will lead the Landover High yell leaders in cheers before, during and after the execution.  And Sister Taffy Crockett has agreed to organize a group of protesters to rebuke the family members of the felon for his appalling upbringing and their demonic fellowship with the culprit.  "I'll have my trusted bullhorn handy," noted Sister Taffy.  "I'll let that Satanic family know that if they had disciplined that boy and made him work, instead of letting him waste away his life smoking crack and playing basketball, he might not have turned to Satan to guide his life."

All the news is not good, however.  Because Iowa kills people so sporadically, Landover lobbyists sought permission to televise Texas executions, which occur frequently enough to allow for at least two to three episodes a week.  Initially, Governor George W. Bush applauded the plan.  Landover News caught up with the governor outside the office of his Spanish tutor who assists him in campaigning to Hispanics.  The thrilled governor agreed to allow executions in Texas to be televised, so long as each broadcast is preceded with a pre-execution disclaimer stating (a) while the convict to be executed may not be guilty of the crime for which he was convicted, he should still be killed in light of his bad record and/or mischievous childhood, and (b) executions of members of minority groups are justified even if this was their first offense, so long as an independent expert testified members of that particular minority are likely to kill more than once in their lifetimes.  Bush also agreed to appear in several of the broadcasts in cowboy boots and hat, pushing a mock hypodermic button at the same time as the actual executioner.

Needless to say, WJHC immediately agreed to the governor's conditions. However, late last week, a spokesman for Bush said the governor could no longer sanction the program, given his close race against Al Gore for the Presidency and his need to court the moderate vote.  This is one of many plans Bush supports and will ultimately implement as President which he cannot endorse now given that some may perceive it to be inconsistent with his "compassionate conservative" political slogan.  Bush is also concerned that the broadcasts and accompanying media attention might result in the release of information which proves many executions under his Administration were of men not guilty of the particular crime at issue. Liberals exploit such information for political gain," noted Brother Harry.  "They act like the fact that these boys are innocent of THIS crime is significant, when it's really nothing more than a technicality.  When you consider the people involved, it's obvious they're guilty of something, and will be again in the future."

For now, WJHC will broadcast Iowa executions only.  The first is scheduled for October 4, 2000.  Tickets go on sale next week for those who would like to be part of the live audience and will be available through all Ticketmaster locations. If you have AOL, use the keywords: "TICKETMASTER-IOWA-EXECUTIONS."



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