Landover Baptist: Thanksgiving 2000 Issue

Injuns Threaten Christians Even From Beyond The Grave!
"We refuse to let a junk pile of old Injun skulls halt church construction!" exclaimed Pastor Deacon Fred. Full Story>

Pastor Orders Christian Men to Think Only About Jesus While Masturbating
Read This Article>

The Little Jew: Levi, The Dancing Cockroach
A Christian children's book that teaches kids about Jewish behavior.
Baptizon.com Review>

The Christian Voter Guide!
Read the Christian Voter's Guide that helped Republicans put into words why they want George W. Bush as their next president!
Get Your Free Copy!>

Landover To Require Fidelity of Ex- Ministry Graduates
Backsliding was reported in 15 of 17 ministries as at least one participant in each was caught reverting back (or coming close) to his old, Satanic ways.
Read all about it>

Blair Witch 2: Finally, A Christian Movie the Whole Family Can Enjoy!
The hidden theme of the movie is that physical and mental disaster befalls those who defy God's word.
Movie Review>

Jimmy Carter's Habitat For Heathens! All the insulation in the world won't be thick enough to protect him from the unquenchable fires of Hell.
Click for Details>

Science Doesn't Make Any Sense!
As Christians, we don't have silly stories or some bizarre mythology to explain the Truth. We know that Jesus is up in Heaven, living on a cloud, sitting on a golden throne.
Read More>

Church To Allow Gals To Vote
The measure requires ladies to vote for whomever their husband tells them.
Read More>

God is Fed Up With Middle East. Wants it Neutron Bombed God says to Landover prayer group: "I have tried for 4,000 years to help those people, but they are nothing but trouble. I have, frankly, had it!"
Read More!>

Church Members Prepare For Thanksgiving
As an added bonus this year, authentic Brazilian Indians in native attire will clean and prepare the birds for our very own Pilgrims.
Read More!>

Freakylinks: A Sissy's Version of God's Menacing Horrors
But there are no commercial breaks from the Lord's wrath.
Read the TRUTH!>

Letters To Landover
Encouraging e-mail messages


		Pastor Sends Demons Into Flock of Wild Turkeys Associate Pastor Adolph Hecht was exorcising a feather-headed redskin near Church Farm and had to think on his toes. "It was either pigs or turkeys," he said. "I didn't want to risk blasphemy by repeating a miracle of Jesus so I commanded the demons inside that Injun to enter the turkeys." As a result, hundreds of Church members will be without a main course this Thanksgiving. The turkeys were gathered and forcibly drowned in Landover Lake to get rid of the demons. Local City Ordinance Bars Jews in Freehold From Celebrating the Christian Holiday of Thanksgiving Pastor Deacon Fred, upon hearing that the law was passed, said, "It is only fair. If they are not going to accept our Savior, they can't expect to get our days off from work. Remember, it was Southern Baptists (called "Puritans" back in those days) -- not a bunch of Jews -- who were nice enough to risk rape and scalping to invite those starving, no-account Indians over for dinner. Besides, I don't know what Jews would have to be thankful for. They're all going to Hell." Pastor Clarifies Ambiguous Sermon Last month, Pastor Deacon Fred delivered a poignant sermon in which he explained that Hell is principally populated by Injuns and Chinese. As might be expected, this sermon caused great concern among Landover members. Over 200 calls flooded the sanctuary the next day. The universal question was whether Pastor was suggesting that we are going to have to deal with lots Japanese, Korean and other yellow-skinned demons in Heaven. Pastor immediately issued a press release to assuage church concerns. "Chinese is a generic term referring to all the slanty-eyed people in the Orient. They are all Chinese. Even the Lord doesn't make distinctions between Japs and Gooks. To God, they are all hellbound. It don't matter what you call 'em. They all burn the same." Church Bans Marriages to Canines, Cattle Landover's Council of Deacons voted unanimously in open chambers to pass an amendment to the church's charter which prohibits marriages between humans and animals. Pastor Ebeneezer Smith, sponsor of the amendment, told deacons it was necessary to stop the complete breakdown of all moral values which is the secret agenda of liberals and homosexuals. "Speech after speech by Republican leaders have suggested that the move to legalize homosexual unions will result in people eventually demanding to marry their pets or farm animals. We just made sure that will never happen at this church!"

Our Godly Film Reviews

The Grinch!
By helping us block the release of this film, you are helping Jesus!
The Patriot Anti-Christian Trash!
Thomas & The Magic Railroad
Dinosaur: Not for Children
Me, Myself & Satan: Demon Possession
Gladiator: Homosexual lust!
American Psycho: Bill Clinton
Man on the Moon: ...or Devil in Hell?
Toy Story 2: Satan's New Film
The Green Mile: Men, Prison, Showers
Blair Witch Project: Dora Jean Reviews
Boys Don't Cry: "Bull Dykes Don't Cry"
American Beauty: Ugly Satanic Slop
The Talented Mr. Ripley: Fine Christian Fare

CapAlert:
Christian Movie Reviews With Which We Agree

Interact With God (Us)!

Visit With Our Pastors (click here)
True Christians Unite!
Apostolic Astrology Angel Anne
Christian Realty Inc. Marla Jennings
America's Best Christian Betty Bowers
Bible Answer Man Brother Harry Hardwick
Women's Issues Sister Taffy
60 Second Sermons: Pastor Deacon Fred
Surf The Net With Jesus! Judy O'Christian
The Upper Room: Ladies Chat
Members Board: Church Members Only!
Movie Preview: Levitical Law Week
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Bible Punishment Quiz Take it!
What Did Jesus Say? Flash Quiz!

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Christian Politics

The Wisdom of G.W. Bush:
A cocaine sniffin', alcoholic farmboy who gave his life to Jesus and became President of the United States. Praise God.

We Need Dick!
Betty's Notes
Abortion Rumor
Marilyn Saved!
Perilous Times!
Church Ladies
Homos & Kids!

Lesbians Attack!
LIE-berman
Fetus Harvest
Clinton - Porn Lover
Liberals Hate
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Boycott Disney

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11/26: Misguided Christians
God already has enough darned Missionaries!
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A Godly Warning

We have taken the liberty of requesting a restraining order on all unsaved persons. If you are unsaved, you are not allowed within a 10-mile radius of our church, nor are you allowed on this website. Kindly leave, and be about the Devil's business, for you are not welcome here. Glory!