Jerry Falwell Devotes His Life To Homosexuality

On Wednesday, Reverend Falwell announced that he is joining Louis P. Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition in devoting 100% of his time to thinking about men licking each other. "Frankly," said an enraged, and somewhat engorged Falwell, "thanks to the success of this cotton-picking Homosexual Agenda, not only do we have homo bishops, it's gotten to be the point where I can't do anything without thinking about hot, hairy man-sex. Just last Sunday, I had gone a whole five minutes without thinking about an invitingly turgid African penis waving within inches of my nose, and what do you know? I found myself at Shoney's breakfast buffet staring down at all those hot, moist, brown sausage links. Well, we all know how that ended. I had to grab a napkin and excuse myself to the restroom while my meal got cold. I tell you, I've had it with homos ruining decent, normal people's lives -- and meals!"