Freehold, Iowa - Always vigilant about finding things to protest in God's name, the Ladies of Landover (after getting permission from their husbands) disguised themselves as filthy Negroes earlier this week to attend a local Kwanzaa party. The Ladies had been tipped off to the all-night party while listening to secretly recorded tapes of their domestics' telephone conversations. At first the Ladies had no idea what "Kwanzaa" was in reference to. "It is hard enough to understand what those people are saying," lamented Taffy Davenport Gaines-Crockett, "But when they start making up words you might as well just give up." After listening to the tape five times, Mrs. Venitia Johnson, the town's only known liberal, was called in to decipher. She informed the Ladies of Landover that Kwanzaa is actually a black alternative to the celebration of Jesus. "Something to compete with Jesus?" asked Suzzanna Beth Jenkins. "Well, if that don't smack of Satan I don't know what does!" 

The Ladies' intention was to find out if this non-Caucasian holiday is of God or the Devil. "Lucifer just lays in wait to prey on the immoral and simple-minded," said Landover Lady vice-president, Judy O'Christian. "So, when we realized it was a Negro-type event, we naturally became suspicious. We wanted to find out if those people were desecrating the baby Jesus' birth. It also provided a wonderful opportunity to see if we could locate sterling flatware that was missing from our homes."

Using coal from their Christmas fireplaces, the Ladies disguised themselves so well that they moved stealthily among the party unnoticed. "Our blackened faces made us look like everyone else. LOL!" Taffy Davenport Gaines-Crockett remarked, "But we were just living in absolute fear that one of us would correctly conjugate a verb and be instantly unmasked. Fortunately, Negroes essentially look so alike that it is difficult to tell them apart, which is why I require my help to wear numbers." 

Having never been in a Negro neighborhood, much less a Negro home, the Ladies had no idea what to expect --except the worst! After an ear-piercing hour of profane tribal music, grape soda spritzers made with Thunderbird wine, platters of pickled pigs feet, pork ears stuffed with peanut butter, and fried chicken, the seemingly innocent, though horrendously catered, 'party' changed into something more sinister.  "I have a hard time keeping a straight face watching a black person eating fried chicken," said Sister Taffy. "But the Holy Spirit helped me stay in character!  Praise Baby Jesus I am alive today because that invisible bird was watching out for me!"

The Ladies reported that, after brief outbursts of gunfire exchanged between a few of the guests, the entire party moved into the living-room/crack den to witness the ritual killing of a stolen white child dressed up as the baby Jesus. "I was petrified," Sister Taffy remembered, "I was frozen in horror. I couldn't move. I mean, I wanted to at least make sure the child was saved before they killed it, but it would have meant giving ourselves away so I pretended to gnaw on a rum-soaked watermelon rind instead. It tasted dreadful!" 

These brave Christian Ladies had gone into the party knowing that anything could happen, but were confident in Jesus' promise to protect them from savages. "We knew that we were dealing with an unpredictable race of people," said Mrs O'Christian. "And the Kwanzaa Festival obviously brings Negroes closer to their voodoo Satanic African roots. In the limousine on the way over we had speculated that sacrifices would probably be somehow a part of Kwanzaa. It's not like these people have to worry about staining hand-knotted carpets. But, we just assumed that a small pet, or one of their own people would be involved. Not a real human!"

After almost being caught, the Ladies made a hasty exit. "None of them noticed that we weren't joining in on stories about ways to break into white people's cars," recounted Taffy, "but one of the women noticed that Sister Marge was wearing a pair of $850 shoes Betty Bowers had loaned her. I knew we were in trouble when Marge corrected the woman, telling her that she had not stolen the shoes from anywhere. After that slip, I knew it wouldn't take long for them to realize we weren't one of them." After complaining that they had to leave because "the Man was making them work," the Ladies made it out alive to report to an entire congregation the following Sunday. Pastor Deacon Fred mentioned, "We admire the Landover Ladies Club for risking their lives to uncover this horrific ritual of Lucifer. These dedicated women of God would have even sipped the White Chowder (a Kwanzaa soup created from the remains of a human white baby) for the Lord, if it meant bringing back the truth about this false holiday to those of us sitting here in this congregation today!"

As a result of the Ladies' report, all sanitation workers, dishwashers and gardeners on the Landover campus have been dismissed. The Ladies of Landover are also busy interviewing Mexicans to replace their black domestics. "But we aren't going to actually fire them until after the holidays," reported Judy O'Christian. "They may be killing white babies left and right, but no one wants to be training new help when you are expecting over 250 people over for a New Year's Eve party."

 

 

---

---