The wisdom of Godly youngsters packing heat became apparent after our country watched two homosexual boys shoot up Columbine High School on national television several months ago.

Originally established to ensure that all children of Landover Baptist are provided with firearms at all times, (for protection from their unsaved classmates), OFAY has been renamed to OFFAL (Obligatory Firearms For All Landover). OFFAL's expanded mission is to arm all of Landover, including women as well as children. Brother Harry’s wife,  Heather, found that an astonishing one out of every 20 Landover women do NOT carry a firearm in their purse or bra. About the same number have no idea where their men keep their household guns. 

“The danger is not just from a break-in, Brother Hardwick said. “With all the talk of so-called 'civil rights' - putting ideas in people's heads that they should ignore their place and defy God's plan for them -- many all-American Landover families face increasingly uppity attitudes from shiftless household help. The Godly Baptist women of this community must be prepared to confidently respond with gunfire when faced with robbery, rape, or insolent comments at the hands of some renegade servant." To quote Landover friend G Gordon Liddy, "shoot first, ask questions later.. a corpse won't show up for court." Praise God!

"Quite frankly, it was those queers in trench coats at Columbine that made me realize the wisdom of our Godly mission," Brother Harry noted. "Just imagine if that Godly martyr Cassie Bernall had been packing an automatic. When those little skinny perverts asked her if she believed in Jesus, instead of the correct, but somewhat ineffectual, reply of a simple, 'yes,' she could have sent a spray of bullets through their little pansy faces." (Editor’s note: AMEN.)

OFFAL has established minimum guidelines which all families must meet by our Lord's birthday, December 25th. Each Freehold household must prove ownership of at least one automatic weapon and a small to medium-sized firearm for each family member over the age of six. Actual use of the automatic weapons will be limited to the male heads of household, widows, and young ladies pretty enough to be in the "God's Image Club" at Landover Christian High School. Any family not in compliance will be fined to the tune of a 10 percent increase in next year's tithe. Random spot checks will assure compliance.

Spot checks in schools will also be conducted daily by homeroom teachers. If a Christian student is found to be without a firearm, they will be suspended from school. Presentation of firearms must accompany presentation of membership identification for entry into all private Landover establishments, such as country clubs, Landover Day Spa, Landover Christian Mall, Landover International Airport, and Ladies of Landover functions. Metal detectors will be installed at the doors of all Landover buildings to ensure all are armed. "I know this will be inconvenient at first, but it's important to ensure widespread compliance. We want to make picking up a gun as you get out of bed as automatic as brushing your teeth in the morning," Brother Harry said.

Additional security measures are also being implemented. Uniformed security guards and undercover officers will be present both outside and inside all chapels during church and Sunday school services. Whatever fences are not yet topped with barbed wire will be upgraded before December 25th. Multiple guards will be placed at all entrances to the church compound. Panhandlers will no longer be tolerated within 100 feet of such entrances. Landover security will continue to issue a warning to any panhandler violating the spatial requirements; failure to comply will now be met by a show of force. In particular, filthy hobos will be herded into the Landover Detention Facility, where they be taught respect for their betters. Work programs will encourage them to contribute to society as they make "WWJD?" bracelets for the Landover Gift Shop.
 

Brother Harry established OFFAL after he personally experienced a threat to the security of his Christian home. "I was expecting an overseas business call, so I remained home one Friday morning. Looking out the window of my northwest study, I saw the most horrifying sight. Three Catholic clergy members - two nuns and a priest - were walking up my drive, presumably to collect for one of those wino charities they run. I was livid because two of my preteen sons were in the house with a priest just 30 yards away. Thankfully I had a Luger nearby, in my desk drawer. I opened the window and fired three warning shots right about where they do that Satanic 'Sign of the Cross.' Those idol-worshipers fled at breakneck speed. What a sight! The nuns were running so fast, with their habits and wimples flapping in the wind, I thought they were going to take to flight like Sally Field. After chuckling, I immediately called Pastor Deacon Fred and told him I wanted to become involved in OFFAL [then OFAY] and expand its God-directed mission."

OFFAL's mission is critical even though the apocalypse is imminent. "God will soon brutally kill all the heathens in the world. But the Bible tells us there will be widespread chaos and violence before that time. We must be prepared to combat the tyranny of anarchy as well as the tyranny of a liberal government which kowtows to liberals, baby-killers, homosexuals, minorities and demons at the expense of God-fearing Christians,” he said.

Since Brother Harry took over, OFFAL has been involved in the purchase of weapons for Landover security as well as for some of the less fortunate middle class Landover families. Landover security is now equipped with surface to air missiles, 15 dozen AK-47s and various other weapons Brother Harry declined to disclose. "We don't want that lesbian Janet Reno and the ATF breathing down our neck, at least not at this point. Of course, when we're finished, they can send all the agents they want. It'll be their last mission,” he said. “By the end of 2001, if God has not yet destroyed everything, Landover will make Fort Knox look like a children's fort. There will be no Waco here, Praise the Lord."