Protecting Your Church From Injun Attack

Freehold, Iowa - As Thanksgiving time draws near, much like our Puritan ancestors, the hearts and minds of Landover Baptist Church members are once again filled with worries about what the irascible, drunk rabble of local bottom-baring Injuns will think up to spoil this year’s festivities. Committees are formed, construction is approved, and precautions are already underway in fortifying the multi-million dollar Landover Baptist Church campus and all of its outlying gated Christian communities in Freehold, Iowa, from the inevitable onslaught of jealous rage that creeps in like a cancerous infection in early November and usually culminates in the uneventful death of several dozen drunk red-skinned savages on Thanksgiving Day.  Dogs have been stationed at all entrances that have been specially trained to sniff out feathers and gin made from ingredients found at any drug store.

“It is bad enough that we have to live until Glory in a state named after one of those infernal tribes of people more likely to grease the backside of a buffalo for their demonic pleasure than hold down a simple job,” lamented Pastor Deacon Fred.  “Do you know what Iowa means?  It’s Injun for ‘one who puts to sleep.’ And if any of you have ever had to try and have a conversation with one of those feather headed savages, you’ll know why.”

For over 200 years now, local Injuns have tried to forcefully invite themselves to Landover's Godly Thanksgiving festivities. And for over 200 years, the Lord Almighty has protected His faithful from these nefarious would-be intruders by flicking them from church grounds with his 20-foot invisible fingers, like little red boogers. "These are the same so-called, 'people,' who killed our Godly ancestors and used their scalps as sanitary napkins for their squaws," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "And they still refuse to apologize!" Over the years, Landover missionaries have been sent to remote areas as far as almost ten miles away from church, in hopes of leading godless red-skinned savages to Christ and recovering stolen lawn ornaments.

"We're not dealing with Casino owning Injuns who have the decency to cut their hair, wipe their red bottoms, don a collared shirt and tie and attend church on Sunday mornings," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "We've got a real problem up here in Freehold, Iowa. Not only do our local savages  still worship  false gods and have hair longer than Crystal Gayle, not one of these useless pelt-wearing boozehounds owns even a basement casino.  So it is real hard to justify going to all the time and expense of bringing them to Jesus when they can’t tithe one red cent when they get there!”  

Landover Baptist Church is keenly aware of the fact that some churches in America have a more welcoming attitude to Injuns.  “Frankly, I find the naivety of folks who’ve never met an Indian outside of a baseball diamond sort of sweet,” said Pastor Harry Hardwick.  “But it is up to those of us who have had to deal with the indigenous boozers and losers of America to help other churches learn how to become unwelcoming before they find their wives kidnapped in some satanic ‘choochie for hoochie’ scam under the filthy canvas tent of some reservation carnival.”   

"There are lots of other churches who are unfortunately located in remote areas where our liberal government has given away free land to folks who killed the first Christians who came to this country," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "We'd like to relate our vast experience in protecting our church from these savages during this delicate time of the year to other True Traditional Christians™ who suffer the same attacks."