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Action Alert!
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Baptist Boy Attempts to Plug Himself Into
The Matrix
by Inserting His Penis Into a Lamp Socket!
The Dangers of Science Fiction Freehold, Iowa - A Pastor's grandson is critical condition at Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital with a burnt penis and multiple puncture wounds about his body. "I always worried that the homosexuals who run Hollywood would come after my grandson’s little hoochie, but I never thought it would happen quite like this," said Pastor Wilkins. "I want one of them sissy Jews out there in California to step up and take responsibility for what they did to my grandson’s willy! And I want a formal apology in writing from the two Pollock directors who created the film that caused this mess in the first place!"
When ambulances arrived a few hours later after the
drivers had finished Bible study, they found Geoffrey on the
front lawn unclothed, unconscious, and his body
covered with more punctures than a Palm Beach ballot.
"There was smoke pouring out of his hiney and his
little penis was burnt to a smoldering crisp,"
reported Baptist paramedic, Hank Farmer. "There were
also frayed electric cords that appeared to have been
hastily crammed into the young man like an electric
enema." Paramedics found Pastor Wilkins inside the
house, sitting on his toilet reading the Bible and smoking a
Tiparillo . "I told that boy that if he wants to worship a bunch of robots on a silver screen in sunglasses on Sunday instead of Jesus, then he'd better watch his step," said Pastor Wilkins. "The Holy Ghost must have been mighty angry at little Geoffrey or none of this would have happened. Geoffrey knew when he saw me with all those buzzing and sparking orange cords, that I hadn’t showed up for any of our usual harmless Catholic priest and altar boy educational bonding tomfoolery." Wilkins reported that he and his wife became
suspicious earlier in the week after Geoffrey started to ask
them if he could see the new Matrix Revolutions
movie. "It bothered us terribly, since the boy knew
full well that True Christians™ are not to visit picture
houses, ever!" said Mrs. Wilkins. “Especially
for troublemaking communist propaganda about revolutions!”
The concerned couple searched Geoffrey's room for signs of occult
activity and found dozens of science fiction videos and comic books, and
Magic occult trading cards. "We even found a stash of
his old Pokemon pocket demons he tried to hide
under his mattress along with a naughty National Geographic magazine
and a Ziploc baggy full of grass clippings," said Pastor.
"From the salty taste of the crud on his bed
sheets I knew
right away that I was sitting at the very heart of the
hormonally frenzied vortex of teenage sexuality.
I kept imagining – over and over again – my
handsome grandson, naked, trembling and giving in to the
wicked, sweaty sins of the flesh." Pastor and his wife,
gathered all of the questionable
(non-Christian) paraphernalia they found in
Geoffrey's room and set fire to it in their back yard. For the entire week after God's fiery purge of Geoffrey's
occult activity, the boy never spoke a word to his
grandparents. "The Devil had that boy like a fish on a
string - slowly reeling him into the theatre to see the new
Matrix film," said Wilkins. "I guess the Holy
Spirit knew how bad that boy wanted to escape Christian
reality and get hooked up to the Matrix. My prayer is that
if little Geoffrey ever recovers from his wounds, that the
little sissy
will be signing up for the football team rather than wasting
his time all day up in his room, reading silly science
fiction books and beat smackin' his ding dong to photos of
saggy breasted Negro women with giant metal rings on their
necks! Geoffrey Wilkins remains at Landover Baptist Memorial
Hospital in critical condition.
The Wilkins incident, coupled with Brother Harry's unpleasantly intrusive arraignment hearing over the aforementioned and regrettable blackout during a viewing of the second Matrix film led the Landover Baptist Board of Deacons to issue a statement whereby anything related to The Matrix movie trilogy should immediately be destroyed. Church members have been given authority to enter public businesses and seize and burn any and all items related to the films. A bail fund of over $250,000 has been established by Major Donors and Platinum Tithers to assist Church members in carrying out the Lord's will unfettered by the burden of secular legalities. In addition, since Hollywood is refusing to take responsibility for what they made the Holy Ghost make Pastor Wilkins do to his grandson, a fund has been established for church members who want to help with Geoffrey's medical expenses in reconstructing his male member to its sweet glory, as fondly recalled by his doting grandfather.
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The
Landover Board of Deacons held an emergency meeting last
Tuesday to discuss the final installment of the unholy
Matrix trilogy which was directly responsible for
