Emergency Alert to All Citizens Within a 200 Mile Radius of Freehold, Iowa!

Earlier in the week, Deacon Fred told a gathering of Platinum Tithers that demons which visiting exorcist, Pastor Needham, had intended to send into a herd of pigs in accordance with Matthew 8:31, inadvertently entered hundreds of thousands of squawking turkeys at Bob Kidwell's Turkey Farm instead. "Old Pastor Needham's getting on up in years," Pastor Deacon Fred said, "and I guess his aim is just a wee bit off, which is why I never like to sit on his toilet."

Pastor Deacon Fred reported that over 450 Christian serving colored Baptist school children, wielding machetes and shotguns, were immediately turned loose on the turkey farm, but not soon enough, as over 50 incidents of demon-infested turkey attacks were reported within the vicinity. He related that in one case at Wanda's Diner, a parishioner nearly had his entire face pecked off by a turkey potpie. It took two Christian men armed only with a meat tenderizer and a potato peeler to restrain the demon-possessed turkey entree. "We spent a good part of the evening rounding up all the stray turkeys," said Pastor. "Folks will tell you that turkeys can't fly, but they ain't seen them after Sister June Gordon gets them in the tail with her bazooka!

Included in the people who were slaughtered solely as a safety precaution was a group of local Indians who were training to cover their red naked rear-ends so they could serve as waiters at Landover's Thanksgiving feast. "We are not taking any chances," said Pastor. "We didn't find any Injun bones after we firebombed the turkey farm, so it's as clear as hell is hot that the Injuns are alive, demon-possessed and running loose on church property. I don't want folks to panic - as it will only mess up their aim when they see one of these red-butted scallywags."

The Platinum Tithers joined a hastily assembled lynch-and-lunch club of concerned Christians gathering on the East Lawn. Pastor assured the fully armed crowd that the incident was only a minor setback. "There is no need to get angry and all worked up about not having anyone to wait tables and clean up at this year's Thanksgiving feast," he said. "We've got ourselves plenty more uncontaminated Injuns we've flown in from Winnipeg for this thing. With the Canadian dollar being worthless, we've doubled up on Pocahontas-style busgirls, too. This here group that got infected however, is so crazy with demons, they could barely hold their johnsons to pee, much less a sterling turkey platter!"

The Christian lynch-and-lunch club was quickly organized into a group of deputized Deacons who were sworn to hunt down the demon possessed Indians before sunrise. A nosy local reporter asked if any of the Indians were armed, apparently concerned that church members were taking the so-called law into their own hands. "We've got metal detectors covering 1,800 square miles of the Landover Baptist Church Campus," said Pastor. "But metal detectors aren't much good against the Injuns' tomahawks, which are made from stone, wood, and the petrified animal turds which the Injuns chew on for hours to make them to weapons-grade consistency." He told the reporter that church members were left with no option but to adopt a 'shoot on sight' policy. "Actually, it isn't really 'shoot on sight,' clarified Pastor. "This ain't the Revolutionary war and we ain't Israel Putnam. Weapons have come a long way since then. The range on most of the weapons owned by our congregation is so long that we can't see half the things we kill! In any event, everyone is a little on edge recently but this really helps everyone feel a bit more safe."

"These are True Christians in action," said Sister Sarah Palin when she heard about the recent demon outbreak at Landover Baptist. "I think Pastor Deacon Fred's "There'll Be Plenty of Time For Questions At The Autopsy " is a shoot-on-sight policy that should be adapted to cover all America-hating liberals and non-Christians in recognition of these special times and will only be necessary for the duration of the war, which could be at least through the next election."

 

 

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