Holiday Action Alert

As a goodwill gesture in this time of Thanksgiving and a sign of Christ-like tolerance of even the most savage of God's creatures, Landover Baptist offered an opportunity for sober Indians in the Freehold, Iowa region to be gainfully employed, albeit temporarily. They were set to work on digging the foundation for the western most wing of the Landover Baptist All-Purpose-Multi-Temple. The $104 million Multi-Temple project should reach completion by April 2011. Earlier this summer, during the excavation process, workers uncovered hundreds of pieces of crude, pointed rock, primitive spears, bones, and arrows. These were being sucked up by and clogging some of our more expensive machines. The bones were originally offered to the animals at the Freehold Humane Society, and when they wouldn't accept them, they were reconfigured and placed in our "Heathen Museum" as part of a junior high school archeology project. Landover children were given the bones and asked to determine which bones fit into which sockets and to connect them, much like completing a jigsaw puzzle. "We lost hundreds of femurs," said teacher Miss Paltry, "cause all the boys were using them to play baseball. When it came time to reconstruct the bodies, we only had one Injun who had legs. We had a big old time laughing at the sight of a whole tribe of legless Injuns!" The re-constructed bodies were then dressed in non-authentic savage clothing (since Injuns have no respect for Christian decency and tend to display their red behinds as freely as their counterparts in Hell) and placed in cases in the museum.

By late October, The Landover Baptist Church "Heathen Museum" had proudly added more than 200 fully reconstructed primitive skeletons to our 2,000 piece collection. It was at this time that church physician, Dr. Jonathan Edwards (who had been examining some of the remains) announced a disturbing find. He discovered human tissue in some of the fecal remains. The only reason the remains were so well-preserved was the fact that each Indian had apparently drunk more than 4,000 times his body weight in alcohol during his lifetime. "Some of the remains are over 200 years old," he said. "Some are under 50 years old. This can only lead us to conclude that Native Americans were cannibals, and more than likely still are." The following Sunday, Pastor Deacon Fred preached a sermon entitled, "We know where the child on the back of the milk carton is."

Last week, after learning of the construction, a huge angry mob of liberals and other troublemakers gathered at the construction site, trying to interfere with the pouring of the concrete foundations on the so-called "sacred Indian burial ground." Pastor Deacon Fred ordered church security to teargas the protestors and then issued a statement: "God has called on us civilized folks to build this tithe-vault and indoor croquet court. And He is not about to let a junk pile of Injun skulls get us off schedule. I have told our general contractor to get a big diesel pile-driver out here tomorrow morning and pound those bits of Injun parts like nobody's business! From dust to dust. Amen! Add some water to those powdered Injun heads and it's just like limestone! Besides, I don't know what the fuss is all about. These Injuns were obviously not buried after being given a Christian funeral, and since this is a Christian nation, we don't have to pay no never-mind to the liberals and Injuns screaming about paving over a so-called "holy" place!"

The church's decision to move forward with the building has angered local Indians, who have refused to attend this year's Thanksgiving festivities. Pastor Deacon Fred responded by saying: "Well, I can't say we'll miss having to mop up all that drunk's-sick the next day like we had to a couple of years ago when we invited those Injuns. Besides, after finding out they are all a bunch of cannibals, I doubt we could legally whip up something to their liking. The only flesh Baptists eat and the only blood we drink is that of the Almighty God, and that is not real flesh, it's just symbolic. We're not Catholics."

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