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Text
of Pastor’s Message --------
“I’ve
got to tell you, folks, there is a new menace infesting this
Christian nation that has me so upset, I can hardly stand up
here and speak. This
year, Church Security came by my Pastor’s study to report
several incidents that had me so sick I had to run into the
bathroom and throw up before they even finished telling me
the whole story.
You folks
all know Mrs. Tawny Huxton – stand up, Tawny.
Now turn around so they can see you from behind.
Good. Now sit your skinny little butt down, so I can finish
preaching.
Friends,
it seems that Mrs. Huxton, here, came home from the grocery
store the other day, opened up the door to her house, and
the first thing she saw was her son, Timmy – trousers
dropped to the ankles, just a humpin’ away at the cushion
arm on the side of their
Lay-Z-Boy sectional couch like a demon-possessed jungle
monkey!
Now hold
on, folks! Ya’ll just sit right back down now! If you feel
like you’ve got to sick up, just do it on the floor there
- and be careful not to get it on the hymnal racks.
I’m just getting started!
Mrs.
Huxton here, phoned church security, and they were at her
house within five minutes.
Ya’ll know we’ve had incidents with this family
before, so our team of Baptist Police Officers are trained
to respond quickly.
And,
thanks to in-house 128-bit Sin Monitors, Landover Security
had seen little Timmy whip it out and go hog wild with the
furniture even before Mrs. Huxton.
Well,
when the officers arrived, little Timmy was still a humpin’
away at that couch and it took nearly three of them to pull
him off! Do you
know what they found there on the floor after they cuffed
that little monkey?
Well, I’m going to tell you.
They found a half a dozen empty cans of a popular
aphrodisiac drink called, Red Bull.
You heard me! Some
of you are probably high on this legal crack right now –
so you won’t doze off in the middle of my sermon!
Well - you’ll be sticking to coffee and
prescription diet pills after you hear what I have to tell
you.
I had Dr.
Edwards over at the Creation Science Lab, open up a quick
investigation on this so-called, “Energy Drink.”
And what he found – oh, what he found!
-- will raise the hair on your neck!
Dr.
Edwards discovered unreported incidents of young people here
in the Senior High Youth Group who accidentally get sexed up
off this drink. They
chug down a few cans, so they can stay up and memorize
scripture verses at Bible Study, only to find that they have
been taken over by the devil in that tin can, and their
Bible Study turns into a Godless sex orgy!
Oh yes! It’s
all true!
They get
so cranked up on the methamphetamine in this Devil's brew
that they start to shake all over – including their moist
little teenage groin areas. And you know what happens when young folks' sinful parts
start to tingle and shake – it's like popping open a hot
can of just-shook Pepsi!
We’ve
even had reports of little children taking a few sips of Red
Bull and within seconds they start chewing on anything they
can find! Poor
Mrs. Simkins looked up from her Bible the other day only to
find that her two granddaughters had gnawed through her
crepe soles and the rubber tip to her cain! One parent
reported that their three-year-old child chewed up half the
plaid indoor-outdoor carpeting on their patio. Yes,
indeed, carpet munchers in our very midst!
Friends,
let’s get to the facts now.
Dr. Edwards Googled this Red Bull – which is
nothing more than “liquid sin in a fancy tin,” and he put
it under a Bible Scope in the Creation Science Lab.
Friends, he made a startling discovery.
This so-called “energy drink” is carbonated bull
urine, with
lemon flavoring and enough crystal meth to get a whole
housing project full of Negroes tap dancing up and down the
streets until dawn.
You
people know that we pride ourselves in being farmers of this
great land here in Freehold, Iowa – and as such, we all
know the facts about male cattle and what just one drop of
their testicle fluid can do to a human being.
For someone to excrete this junk and put it into a
fancy can – marketing it to YOUNG PEOPLE!
For shame! In
the name of Jesus I say, Shame on you – Food and Drug
Administration! Shame
on you for allowing this addictive drug to come into our
Christian nation from some Godless foreign country.
And shame on you again for placing it in convenience
stores without a warning label!
This is
not a Christian drink, my friends - and it does not belong
in any Christian home!
That goes for any other drink that contains something
from a testicle, unless it’s on the wedding bed.
It’s just plain sick, and there is a passage
somewhere in Leviticus about this nonsense that I’ll dig
up for you when I get the time.
"We believe this to be the first time any study
regarding this drink has been reported publicly.
As we understand it, most people just keep silent
either because they don’t know what is happening to their
children,
or they are afraid of speaking out for fear of being bullied
by Red
Bull dealers, pushers and henchmen. These cronies have a reputation for being
especially thorough in taking action against those who dare
question their loyalty. Well,
its high time we True Christians™ did something about it!
And don't think you folks shaking in your pews like
Mexican jumping beans are fooling Security with those 'I
don't know what he's talking about' faces on your jittery
mugs!"
Church
dismissed.
End Text
of Pastor’s Message --------
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Freehold,
Iowa – Over the last year, several isolated sexual incidents
involving the popular liquid 
