ANNUAL SPRING BIBLE CRAWL

Freehold, Iowa -  "The first thing we do," Landover Pastor, Deacon Fred explains, "is put a Bible on the ground. If the baby crawls away from the Bible, it immediately becomes a candidate for sterilization." The possessed child is then placed in a crib with a full grown adult swine to see if the demon will hitch a ride (Mark 5: 11-13). "We then take the demon-possessed pig to Landover Lake to see if it drowns itself in accordance with scripture," Deacon Fred says. "If the pig drowns, the child will stay with its mommy and daddy. If the pig does not kill itself, then the malformed offspring/Child of Satan is shipped off to the Landover Home for the Demonically Possessed in North Dakota. It can sometimes take 20 years until it is safe to return the little "demon hotel" to its mother -- but that gives her plenty of time to explain what a demon was doing in her womb in the first place! 

Cross-eyed children and infants with unusually large ears will not participate in the Spring Bible Crawl but will instead be subject to automatic sterilization. It is widely accepted among True Christians™ that physical deformities are the outward manifestation of lewd demonic activity within the womb. The Bible tells us that physical deformity is a direct result of a demon or demon(s) chewing on the fetus or pulling on the fetus' ears during the early months of pregnancy.

Spring sterilization and the Bible Crawl have been a Christian tradition at Landover Baptist Church for nearly 57 years. A church spokesman explains, "Sterilization is a method by which we, as Godly, Bible-believing, Patrimonial Baptist Christians assure ourselves and our loving God that our descendants will be clear-headed, straight, agreeable, dependable human beings." Unfortunate parishioners who birth demon possessed toddlers, gladly bring their children forth for sterilization. Landover member, Mrs. Ida Jenkins, recalls, "I remember when the doctor told me that Satan stole my baby's sight!  Little Henry was born blind. We made sure the Devil didn't get the last laugh on my Henry. We had him sterilized two hours after he popped out!" Mrs. Jenkins was eager to stop the Devil's handiwork as soon as possible. "We didn't even wait until Spring! Satan had his red tail wrapped around my boy's head so tight, the annual Bible Crawl was out of the question!"

"We take an awful lot of flack from the secular world for living our lives according to scripture." Pastor Deacon Fred remarks. "The secular world calls demon-possessed people, 'handicapped' or 'special.' I tell you, there's nothing 'special' about demon possession. Jesus didn't call them 'special' or refer to them as 'crippled' or 'handicapped.' He knew they were demon possessed! Why else would they become normal human beings as soon as He cast the Devil out of them?" 

Landover Baptist Church isn't in the habit of casting out demons. "That's the Lord's job!" Pastor Deacon Fred says. "We can however, prevent the devil from playing 'Joker's Wild' with the family tree. The best way to do that is through infantile sterilization. Praise God!" 

 

 

---

---