Freehold, Iowa - Church members could hardly wait to grab their rifles last Sunday when Pastor announced that President Trump fulfilled yet another campaign promise to True Christian Americans™ by declaring open hunting season on endangered species.
To celebrate, church officials announced weekly hunting trips. “Ya’ll best get a move on and sign up for next weekend’s Endangered Species Blood Bath,” Pastor told churchgoers. “The trip will begin with a prayer for President Trump and then we’ll start killing. And we won’t stop our joyful slaughter until trees are dripping with blood and the forest floor is tarred and feathered in gooey grizzly guts and Ivory-Billed Woodpecker wings,” he exclaimed. “Praise the sweet name of Jesus and President Trump!”
Despite Landover Baptist churchgoers being persecuted by Demoncrats for holding their annual Endangered Species All You Can Eat Pot Luck Dinner for years, Pastor assured churchgoers that their next potluck will be held without any fear of getting arrested. “We’re gonna use endangered species meat from our hunting trips for the pot luck this year, said Pastor. “Old Farmer Jenkins can even make his famous stew out of them kit foxes, wood rats and black-footed ferrets been at his hens and menstra-shacks this year and he won't a care of being put in jail for it.” Pastor told churchgoers. “He tells me he’s planning to celebrate by inviting me over to share a bowl of his famous Wood Rat Soup with the family!”
Pastor further explained to church members that President Trump told him in confidence that all Endangered Species Laws will be completely gutted until any trace of anything a sissy Demoncrat thinks should be protected is wiped clean from the pages of history. "President Trump is following God’s command that we are to eat whatever we want,” Pastor went on. “Genesis 9:3 says, Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you! So it follows as a testimony to the unsaved that God is powerful enough to provide even if we wipe out every living thing. Now, you all know I’m not a fan of vegetables or salads so I might end up having to eat some of you in the end to stay alive and preach the Word, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”
The first Endangered Species Blood Bath Hunting Trip will be held 7PM to 10:30PM Curfew on September 7th, 2019 and continue each weekend indefinitely unto ad nauseam. Meet promptly by the entrance to the old Hardwick Farm on Route 1. Bring a Bible, firearms and plenty of ammo.
