18.2%
Tithe Leads to Implementation of "E-Z Slide" Credit Card
Offering Plates
The plates will offer credit or
debit. Members punch in their PIN numbers and their tithe money will be
taken directly from their checking, savings, or credit card account....
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He
Shot a Man Dead For Insulting the Lord Jesus
"This man, is
one of the last real men," Pastor remarked, "He is the last of
a dying breed. A fleeting remnant of a time when Christian
wide-bodies struck a tone of Godly fear into heart of every devil loving
town across this great nation. He rode a horse, carried a gun in one
hand and a Bible in the other....
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Born
Again Nazi to Administer Church Labor Camp
Heir Fredrich Engleheist, Dr.
Enrich Bloomhaur, and Lt. Adolf Reinhaur, will provide their expertise
in managing labor camps during WW2. Lately, the discipline level at
Landover's migrant worker camp has reached ...
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Church
Softball Game Goes Bad
The scene got ugly when The
Immaculate Hearts threw down their gloves and rushed the pitcher's
mound. The Landover Soulwinners were out of the dugout and on the field
faster than you could say 'Jesus wept.'...
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Handicapped
and Other Trouble Makers Will Be Provided With Separate Church Facility
By giving these troubled
semi-people a wonderful new place that they can call their own, Landover
Baptist will free up the bothersome handicapped spaces around the main
church facility...
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Two
Hour Sermon Leaves Congregation Counting Sheep
Parishioners insist that it was
not the length of the sermon that did it, most of the congregation was
out cold in the first 15 minutes. "It was something about his
voice," many insisted. "It was like listening to...
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Church
Splits Down the Middle Over Issues Regarding Piano Bench
Each faction will have it's own
separate service with it's own separate pastor. Since the head pastor is
not speaking to the associate pastor, each will have their own service,
which will be attended by factioned members. We are told that....
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He
Made the Apostle Paul Look Like a Sissy
Landover
Baptist bids goodbye to one of the greatest missionaries this world has
ever known...
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Baptist
Children's Art Competition Focuses on Book of Revelation
Some of their
drawings turned out nearly as good as those wood pictures by that German
Bible illustrator, Albert Durwood. Praise! Little tiny Baptist brains at
work! The only rule for the competition was that there would be no....
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Landover
Ladies to Cancel Dr. Laura's Speaking Engagement
Mrs.
Betty Bowers tells Laura Schlessinger: "You are simply too slutty
to speak at Landover Baptist, dear."...
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Demon
Hunter, Mitch Walker, Traps 3 1/2 Inch Succubus With Nothing More Than a
Bread Crumb and a Roll of Paper Towels
When he resurfaced Sunday
morning carrying a bird cage and a suit case, everyone was surprised.
Pastor immediately gave him the pulpit. Rev. Mitch pulled the
cover off the cage to reveal a ravenous 3 1/2 inch succubus he had
trapped in a Hong Kong sewer using only....
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Age
of Allowatory Masturbation Raised to 65
"Numbers 6: 14b is giving
advice to 82 year old widowed men who would 'without blemish' bugger the
he lamb, and be promised that God would let the sin go unnoticed."
He told church members earlier that "It is God's law, set down
plain as day ...
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Sissy
Boy Caught Playing With Dolls!
"I smacked
that boy so hard, it dented my wedding ring," Superintendent
Richards said, "few things make my temper rise like a sissified
boy. That child makes my skin crawl." ...
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Pastor
Offers Taco Bell Extra Value Meals as Peace Offering to Church Attacking
Latinos
Hundreds of Latino gang members
have been tearing away at the gates of our church, and have vandalized
many of our lovely Christian homes. The water in two of our Fitness
Center pools has turned purple. We believe they are responsible...
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62-Year-Old
Woman Births Miracle Chinese Baby!
Church
doctor, Jonathan Edwards and other experts who examined the child, found
that he had no fingerprints or eyebrows. At first, Dr. Edwards only
observed that there could be some indication that the boy was Chinese.
Upon further examination however, the child was found to have...
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Landover
Acquires 1/4 of the State of Iowa
A recent Iowa inter-state
business deal gives Fundamentalist Church, Landover Baptist, control of
over 825 square miles of the state. 100 of those square miles cover
Interstate Highway US 30. Another 400 of those...
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Effeminate
Man Asked to Leave 11am Service
"This was a judgment call
that just had to be made," Rev. Wilkins told the remaining
congregation. "I don't know how the 'riff-raff' gets in here, but
somehow they do, and it's our duty to remove these abominations from the
sight of God."....
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Pastor's
Wooden Chair Replaced With Solid gold Throne
Anyone else caught sitting in
it or touching it will be in serious, serious trouble. An elaborate
alarm system is being installed to prevent theft or unauthorized
touching of the chair....
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Stage
Gives Way Under Weight of 700lb Pastor
Pastor Jenkins always leaves a
memorable impression wherever he preaches. You can bet your tithe money
if there's a church picnic or potluck within a 100 miles he'll find out
about it. Oddly enough, his obesity is actually part of his ministry....
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Church
Members Accidentally Stone An Unsaved Man to Death, and Frankly, He
Deserved It.
Pastor
Smith told the mob, who had cornered the Swami in the waste disposal
area of the migrant worker camp, "Don't consider this a tragedy. I
know it is a little early to be punishing folks for disobedience, before
the feast of Weeks...
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Landover
Baptist Gun Store Opens Doors to Public
A recent Iowa inter-state
business deal gives Fundamentalist Church, Landover Baptist, control of
over 825 square miles of the state. 100 of those square miles cover
Interstate Highway US 30. Another 400 of those...
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Solid
Gold Calf Placed in Main Sanctuary
"We are giving everyone a
taste of idolatry, before they actually have to pay for it," Rev.
Deacon Fred stated at all 14 Wednesday evening services. He was speaking
of Landover's upcoming 'Levitical Law Week'....
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Grisly
Discovery in Church Playground Leaves Children Traumatized
Whatever the case, the end
result, when closely observed, is enough to turn your stomach, and send
a small trickle of perspiration ever so slowly down to the small of your
back....
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Preparations
Underway for 52nd Annual Levitical Law Week
Folks
(and this is a message to church members) we've been through this ritual
nearly 51 times, and some of you have lost loved ones over the years,
but the glory and honor to God, and the testimony and image we give to
sinners and unsaved persons is a fantastic witnessing tool...
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Missionaries
Import Migrant Workers by the Suitcase-Full to Begin Work on the
Landover Baptist All-Purpose Multi-Temple
We face a grave problem in
providing adequate homes for our population of migrant workers. Iowa
Coal Miners Association has been kind enough to open up their flop
houses near the Freehold quary for the time being....
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Talking
Parrot Wins 2,000 Souls; Asks Only For a "Cracker" in Return
A recent article in American
Christian Magazine expressed concern over the 'cult-like' following that
Willie has developed. Hundreds of young people have given up
everything to follow Willie wherever he might lead them....
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In
Horrifying Conclusion to Sermon on Hell, Pastor HR Stone Light Self on
Fire
In an unprecedented show of
courage, Pastor HR Stone, covered with gasoline, lit himselfo n fire in
an attempt to demonstrate the dangers of Hell.....
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Bass
Fisherman For the Lord Nets Souls and 15pt Red Bass
Mr. Entwhistle spends time with
partners in boats during tournaments. He recently shared the
gospel with a man who made a spiritual and financial commitment to his
ministry, right in his own boat.....
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