LUCIFER'S TOYCHEST!

Toy Story 2: Satan's Favorite Movie!
Buzz Lightyear is no longer a battery powered spaceman, but is a turbo-activated hand-held rectal-stimulator with two rotating heads worthy of Black & Decker. And in another crass attempt...
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Should Unsaved People Be Allowed to Celebrate Christmas?
Jesus teaches us that people who celebrate His birthday without getting His permission, are doomed to spend eternity in Hell. Even if someone who is rude enough crash Jesus’ birthday...
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Baby Jesus Leaps From Nativity Manger, Hurling Wet Donkey Manure Into Faces of Shocked Audience!
That cantankerous son-of-a-gun, baby Jesus, turned anything but meek and mild, screaming like He'd just crawled out of the filthy, burning anus of Lucifer's rump instead of the pristine holiness of Mary's crotch...
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Sit on Jesus' Lap at Our Christian Mall!
Instead of having your child ask that fat red demon, Santa to show them with undeserved gifts for Christmas, have your child beg Jesus to forgive them of their filthy sins...
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Are Christmas Trees Pagan Idols That Glorify Lucifer?
Take this Bible quiz to test your knowledge of what the scriptures say about holiday Christmas traditions. Click here or below for answers...
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Church Members Donate Useless Junk to the Needy as Tax Year Draws to a Close
The arrival of December not only signifies that there are only 24 frantic shopping days until Baby Jesus' birthday, it also means there are only 30 more days to find tax deductions...
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Pastor Shoots Family Dog for Chewing Off Baby Jesus' Head!
Wonderful news on Christmas morning at Pastor Deacon Fred's house as the Lord's birthday started off on a glorious note this year with the family dog's demon-infested carcass twisted under the Christmas tree in a heap of blood-spattered gift wrap...
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Lucifer's Toy Chest!
The following Christmas toys are banned from purchase.  Be warned:  If one of these items is found in your home or on your person,  then you'll have to find yourself another place to worship, for you are no longer welcome at this Godly church...
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A Horrifying Christian Hanukkah Experience
When we arrived at the house, there were Hell-bound Jews everywhere.  You must understand that I'd never been in an unsaved person's car, much less home, so I...
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Hog Roast to be Held in Honor of Jews Who Converted to Christ During High Holy Week
Many Baptists found that Orthodox Jews were eager to abandon their faith, based solely on the integrity and commitment of sincere Christian prayers. 215 Jews in East Texas lined up in front of First Baptist Church in Dallas, literally begging to get in...
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Kwaanza: Ghetto Slang for Murder!
The Ladies of Landover (after getting permission from their husbands) disguised themselves as Negroes earlier this week to attend a local Kwaanza party...
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A Landover Baptist Children's Christmas Poem
If you see Santa out on the street, Curse him loudly and spit on his feet.  Tell your mother and tell your dad, "That nasty old pervert just touched me - that's bad...
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Colored Baby Jesus Shocks White Church Goers
Pastor announced to the frightened congregation: "Evil is afoot! During the 8:00pm service this evening, Satan stole our precious baby Jesus right from under Mary's nose...
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Pastor Wishes "Happy Hanukkah" to Those Who "Killed My Savior"
Pastor Deacon Fred offered holiday wishes to local Jews. "Shalom hackie licky hemlock to all those who read from right to left," he stated, but then added, "Wearing a Yamaha on your head won't get you...
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Santa Claus Beaten to Death by Angry Mob of Innocent Christian Children
When we had Santa down, I called everyone I knew on my cell phone and told them all, 'Get down here as fast as you can if you want to get a punch in on this pagan troll before the ambulance shows up!
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Do Naughty Little Children Really Deserve Anything For Christmas?
In their effort to remind all Landover children that they are worthless, wretchedly sinful beings worthy of death and lucky to have survived this long based solely on the fickle grace of God, all Sunday school teachers announced...
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Juggling Your Christmas Shopping Rush With An Impending Apocalyptic Blood Bath
Presentation of firearms must accompany presentation of membership identification for entry into all private Landover establishments, such as country clubs, Landover Day Spa, Landover Christian Mall, Landover International Airport, and...
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Happy Birthday Baby Jesus. Please Don't Send Us to Hell!
Christmas gift cards and accessories guaranteed to show ignorant unsaved people that Jesus is the reason for the season, whether they like it or not ...
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Holiday Tips and Party Plans From a Landover Lady
There are countless ways to serve the Lord, those less fortunate, and your own agendas all at the same time. It just takes perseverance, dedication, and the ability to pull it off with style...
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Free Christmas Gifts From Landover Baptist World Outreach Ministries
Once you have downloaded a FREE gift, a nice way to say 'Thank You Jesus' is to send a tax-deductible love offering.  Don't know how much to give?  It's easy!  Go to line 27 on your latest 1040...
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Tiny Green Penis Found on Grinch Toy!
A quiet family dinner at the Gillman home turned into a nightmare from Hell on Sunday evening when little Matthew Gillman, innocently playing between the legs of his new Grinch toy, peeled back the green hairs...
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Sister Taffy's Special Holiday Tips
Take turns roll playing the birth of Christ using a small child or pet - - then eat unleavened bread with lamb chunks marinated and broiled on toothpicks...
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Santa Claus Did Not Die For Your Sins!
Gift cards and Christmas goodies for unsaved people who are trying to replace the Lord Jesus with a fat old demon...
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