Sermon by Pastor Deacon Fred

The United States of America is a Christian Nation. Sure, we've got some other religions here, but after seeing the cross go up at the site of the World Trade Center, it is clear that they don't matter. The Christian God is going to win the war on those pig-hating, towel-headed, cavemen over there in Afghanistan because people like you and me are praying and working on bringing this nation back to Jesus! You don't see a star of David or the moon of Islam or fat Buddha setting on that wreckage! It's the Christian cross! Praise Jesus!

Taking recent events into consideration, we have steeped up security in our communities here at Landover. Our country clubs, restaurants, retirement centers, Christian shopping malls, University, stadiums, airports, and churches here in Freehold Iowa are all on red-alert until further notice. We are not going to let Lucifer squirm under any gate, crawl out of any toilet, camp in any closet, back yard shed or mind of any member of this congregation. And that includes the children. Oh yes! Satan wants your children, folks! And his birthday is coming up on October 31st, so you have to be even more cautious! I want all the young people here today to listen very carefully to what I am about to say. I don't want there to be any confusion or complaints from anyone in this congregation when you hear a knock on your door and learn that Church Security officers have come to take your child away from you. I don't want any tears to fall from your eyes when you find your child returned to you without a tongue, or if he or she is missing an ear or a hand or a few fingers. If you can't see that the music your child is listening to, or the books that they are reading or the food that they are eating, and even the very air that they breathe, in some cases, is infected with the manure of demons, then you outta be taken out in the street and whipped! Living on this glorious campus is a privilege! And we reserve the right to revoke that privilege to any or all of our 150,000 plus church members at a moment's notice if we find that your children are caught up in Wicca or reading Harry Potter Books, or watching Nickelodeon - any of it! We're tired of it all!

It's been 20 years since we legally executed a witch on this campus, but our lawyers are working very hard with the Federal Government to ensure that we can continue to practice our religion the way the Bible tells us to. Exodus 22:18 says, "Suffer not a witch to live." Deuteronomy 18:10 says, "There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch." God is very clear here, folks, he doesn't want witches (or as they call themselves today, 'Wiccans') to live. We are supposed to be killing witches! If we don't, we are disobeying God. Jesus would weep tears of joy if He leaned down off His cloud and sniffed up the burning flesh of a witch this Halloween. Wouldn't that ruin Satan's little birthday party! Praise God! It's just a shame that the United States Government has placed restrictions on the Biblically-mandated practice of witch burning. Now we have to waste taxpayers money to have old Mrs. Delaney sit out in our jail for practicing witchcraft. She had poor little Christian girls coming into her house to get cured of their colds! Did you know how she did it? She was putting toads in their mouths and transferring the sickness into those vile creatures! After the toads crawled out from between the sweet lips of those precious children of God, their little frog snouts would be sneezing so loud it would wake a demon! It's witchcraft! And it happened right here under our noses, at the last real Christian church in America! That cackling old whore would even make it rain every time she gave her cat a bath! That devil's harlot has no business breathing the same Christian air we breathe, yet we have to keep her alive in our own jail until the "so-called" Federal Government allows us to burn her at the stake. You wouldn't believe the paperwork required to make something like that happen today. But it will happen. People in America are getting serious about God again. They are starting to read the Bible again, and starting to come around.

The only way we can win the war on terrorism, folks, is to destroy the terror of liberalism and evil that exists inside this Christian Nation. It starts with the children. It starts at home. It might be something as simple as organizing a Harry Potter book burning, or placing your child's hands on a hot stove if you catch them masturbating. It could even be a simple gesture, like shipping your 11-year-old son off to military school, or cutting off part of your daughter's ear for listening to N'Sync. We've got to get back to God, folks! We've got to do it fast, and we don't have time to worry about nonsense like "human rights violations!" Jesus, Please allow us to legally do what you tell us to do in that precious Book your Daddy wrote!

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