Sermon By Brother Harry Hardwick 

Brothers and Sisters in Christ, by this time, you've all had a chance to study the photos of those naked Iraqi men we have hanging up in Fellowship Hall.  Seeing those prisoners being tortured and made to act like a pack of pyramid-loving homos by American troops shook me to the core. And as always, I turned to the warm embrace of the all-knowing Lord to make sense of what I saw.  And do you know what?  Jesus gave me an epiphany (that means a personal broadcast from the Savior’s lips to my ears, for those of you sitting up in the balcony).  Friends, I’ve got to tell you, a revelation struck me with blinding clarity: if we had only bombed the Allah-loving daylights out of that whole blasted country when we had a chance, there never would have been any still-living Iraqis to take any photographs of!  That would have put a stop to the communist traitors at the liberal media shoving unpleasant photographs under our noses simply to besmirch our fine men and women in uniform!  Friends, The Lord Jesus filled my angry head with beautiful, calming daydreams of  how wonderful life would have been had we dropped just enough nukes on Iraq to collaterally wipe out the Middle East – except for Israel, which would be protected by Star Wars technology, which, I was told by Mr. Cheney while fly fishing, is already in place thanks to the secret diversion of a trillion health and education budget dollars.  We, of course, want to save Israel for the Lord to delight in burning and killing after the Rapture.  I hear some of you grumbling, but remember: we can't have all the fun.   

Just think, my friends, we would have rid ourselves of most of the towel-heads and a large number of Christ-killers (Jews, that is, not Romans – the Italian government, after all, supported our Godly President.  So, I mean Christ-killers as portrayed in the Gibson flick and Paul's epistles, not in the unreliable contradictions of secular history).  But, no. We had to go do the politically correct thing and limit casualties to a measly 7,000 Iraqi civilians rather than the millions of Muslims we could have sent back to Satan with a single MX missile.   

Friends, I don’t know if you all realize this, but the good Lord has given us the technology to kill folks without destroying His precious oil fields.  And that’s important, when you consider the fact that those turban-wearing, moon-worshipping, dirt people have the second largest supply of oil in the world.   I see from your faces that some of you petrochemical folks in the Gold Tither pews know where I am going with this!   With a reason for the war on the table, we could have flattened Babylon and been looking at a long, steaming summer full of cheap gas instead of unseemly court martials, which are just like catnip to America-hating pansies.   

Well, now we’re stuck, because we let most of them survive. Now they’re over there lollygagging in Saddam's gulag, prancing about shamelessly without a stitch of clothing.  We’re forced to allow them to do disgusting things like shimmy-shagging their uncircumcised willies in front of that sweet, innocent little hillbilly girl, Army Pfc. Lynndie England, who was so embarrassed she had to laugh just to relieve the tension.Yet, with amazing restraint in the face of such debauchery, we have kept prison deaths in a negligible range of under a thousand.  But still, these Sand Negroes complain.  Just like their ungrateful cousins, the real McCoy Negroes in Birmingham, used to complain when my dear, departed friend Eugene "Bull" Connor, out of Christian kindness, used city fire hydrant water – free of charge – to give them coloreds something most of them needed a whole lot more than a right to vote – a shower.  

Well, honestly folks, we brought this whole mess on ourselves by sugarcoating the reasons we’re over there.  My wife will tell you, I love our President, almost as much as I love Jesus, but that boy was so hell bent on outdoing his daddy by getting reelected, he kowtowed to popular sentiment and came up with a phony but politically palatable reason for the invasion of Iraq – weapons of mass destruction.  Of course, since we knew Iraq didn’t have those things, we had no choice but to try to torture the Iraqi captives into admitting that WMD was there (since they certainly wouldn’t have played along absent a few welts, bruises and sore rectums).  Yet, even with a concerted effort at coercion fashioned after the Mary Worshipers' useful model employed successfully by Mr. Torquemada, we still couldn’t get the American public to believe there were WMDs.  You can pull a torture hood over an Iraqi prisonor, but you can't pull the wool over the eyes of even the least educated American media watchers because folks who watch Fox News know you can't believe a dang word an Arab says, tortured or otherwise. 

So, now we’re left with the fallback position – we overthrew a so-called sovereign nation and tortured its people because its government tortured its people.  You see, it violates our sense of honor and fair play for folks to torture their own people and we won't tolerate it And now that we are forced to kowtow at the socialistic shrine of the so-called  “human rights” horsepucky of those pinkos at Amnesty International and whatnot,  -- beating, torturing, raping, assaulting, burning, molesting, branding, stripping and humiliating the people we took time out of our busy days to liberate is no longer viewed as just a positive and necessary part of getting a job done; it is cast as something negative by the weak-kneed Henny Pennies in the Kerry-worshiping media.

Yes, folks, as if you didn't know it already, our country has become ridiculously liberal.  We put such innocuous liberal intelligentsia concepts as so-called "freedom" and so-called "dignity"  -- some of you out there are spitting and laughing, but this is serious business -- above fundamental Biblical principles like God’s command that we slaughter those with different religious beliefs – killing every man, woman and child -- in any country we conquer that has a different mystical power figure in charge,¹ (with the exception, perhaps, of those tantalizing virgins we wish to enslave as our own²).  In fact, if we decline to kill heathens, we run the risk of God slaughtering us, as He has done to so many in the past³.

Our President and his Biblical brothers, Pat and Jerry (not to be confused with their liberal nemeses Ben and Jerry), have correctly noted that Dubya is merely enforcing God’s will.  After all, God, the Father, having never watched Dr. Phil, is a manly and unapologetically vindictive deity, who kills those who don’t follow His will at the drop of a turban.  He engages in acts of violence that make the current Iraqi situation look like a debutante cotillion.   Drowning, burning,⁴ starving,⁵ stabbing with a sword,⁶ blinding,⁷ breaking people into pieces,⁸ breaking knees and legs – in fact, every body part from the sole of the foot to the top of the head,⁹ slaughtering pregnant women’s unborn children,¹⁰ and the dreaded inflicting of hemorrhoids¹¹ are but a few of God’s favorite methods of torture.  By comparison, our soldiers are hesitant amateurs.  Urinating on a prisoner doesn’t hold a candle to making your creations drink their own urine¹² and bake human excrement into their bread.¹³  Having dogs intimidate prisoners doesn’t come close to having dogs actually devour people who rub you the wrong way.¹⁴  And sodomizing someone with a foreign object isn’t nearly as painful as making them so sick, their bowels actually fall out of their bodies where they can be sodomized at leisure long after the victim has left the room.¹⁵ 

Our brave soldiers’ minimal torture can only serve to prepare these heathens for the far greater abuse they will face come Judgment Day, when horse-like locusts with human heads, women’s hair, lion’s teeth and scorpion’s tails will sting them for five months²³ before they are burned to death.²⁴ 

So, what’s all the hullabaloo about?  Our soldiers are inflicting but a fraction of the torment God has promised on these Godless heathens, come Judgment Day.  By alienating the godless nations of the world from America, permitting corporate degradation of the environment because the Lord gave us this Earth to use up as quickly as we can before He gets back, threatening economic depression with tax cuts for those who matter and with no other hocus-pocus secular economic plan in the works, President Bush is bringing us even closer to the glorious apocalypse that will immediately precede every person in this room's rapture and Judgment Day for non-Baptists.  Our soldiers are just getting a head-start on inflicting the horrors promised by God in the Book of Revelation.  Let us praise them for their Biblical insight.   And if we raise our voices in criticism of their efforts, let it be only to chide them for being so darnblasted timid!  Next time they get out those dog leashes, they will ask, "What would Jesus do?" and those naked Iraqi suckers will find themselves yanked across a steaming pile of their own godless excrement!  Praise Jesus! 

[1] Deuteronomy 3:3, 6; 7:2, 4; 20:16; 25:19; 1 Samuel 15:2-3; see also Joshua 8:22-26 (God orders slaughtger of inhabitants of Ai); 1 Samuel 15:2-3 (God orders Saul to kill all Amalekites – men, women, children and even animals); 1 Samuel 27:8-11 (David kills all men and women in area).  In fact, even the cows should be killed (Deuteronomy 13:12-16).  God wants us to kill everyone with different religious beliefs (Dueteronomy 12:2-7), stoning to death those who blaspheme our religion (Leviticus 24:16).  This includes even our children, if they worship the wrong “god” (Joshua 6:24).  Indeed, if our brothers, sons, daughters, wives or friends try to get us to worship a different god, we should kill them (Deuteronomy 13:6-10). 

[2] Numbers 31:1-54; Deutonomy 20:13-16).

[3] 1 Kings 20:35.

[4] Psalms 66:24. 

[5] Deuteronomy 28:48-52; 32:21-26. 

[6] Jeremiah 11:22. 

[7] 2 Kings 6:18. 

[8] Jeremiah 51:21. 

[9] Deuteronomy 28:35. 

[10] Hosea 9:16; 13:16. 

[11] Deuteronomy 28:27-38. 

[12] 2 Kings 8:27; Isaiah 36:12. 

[13] Ezekiel 4:12-15.                               

[14] 2 Kings 9:10. 

[15] 2 Chronicles 21:14-19. 

[17] Jeremiah 19:11-13; Jeremiah 25:33 (“And the slain of the Lord shall be at day from one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth; they shall not be lamented, neither gathered, nor buried; they shall be dung upon the ground”). 

[18] Jeremiah 12:17. 

[19] Psalms 59:8. 

[20] Acts 3:23. 

[21] John 15:6. 

[22] Matthew 13:41-42, 50: 25:41; Revelation 21:8. 

[23] Revelation 9:7-10). 

[24] 2 Peter 3:7.