Wednesday Evening Sermon
December 9, 2009 by
Brother Harry Hardwick

Does Tiger Woods have no shame?  You’d think he would have been thrilled that the golfing world relented and allowed him to appear on their courses without carrying a tray.  You’d think he’d be humble and grateful that the golf clubs he picks from a bag are actually for HIM to use.  You’d think he would have kept his nose clean (despite its inordinate size) and tried to show the world (albeit erroneously) that even a colored boy can live the right kind of life, if paid gazillions of dollars to do so.  But that wasn’t possible for him.  It is an established fact that white women are like catnip to black boys. Worse yet, Woods is half Thai-wan-ese, so cheap sex runs through his blood, as does the need to be sneaky and secretive.  Make no mistake: I am against race-mixing, period.  It brings out the worst in people.  But for goodness’ sake, if you’re going to mess around with the wrong folks, make sure you’re not a Negro or an Oriental, mating with the other.  Talk about a double whammy!  Nothing good comes from spooks on gooks.

But the public will undoubtedly forgive Woods for placing his external appendage into as many holes as he has shot golf balls.  What Americans don’t know, unfortunately, is that Woods is so amoral and depraved, he has resorted to bringing in Christ-haters to protect his image.  That’s right, Woods has spit into the face of Jesus by retaining the notorious Christianity-bashing Lavely & Singer law firm to restore his image at all costs.

Lavely & Singer is a law firm so desperate for money and public attention that they will do almost anything to turn a fee – even more than most lawyers.  The firm’s attorneys are so despicable, debauched and degenerate that no potentially profit-making act is beneath them, including attacking true Christians.  They do this for publicity, for if they were not for their tabloid-like existence, all the firm’s lawyers would be practicing in municipal court, begging winos to hire them in vagrancy actions.

Woods’ friends, Lavely & Singer are abject Christ-haters.  They have even attacked our church, when they saw the potential to make a buck in doing so.  A decade ago, Landover Baptist exposed an acid rock group called the “Backstreet Boys” for the talentless, promiscuous nancy boys that they are.  We revealed before anyone else that the group’s members had gained notoriety turning tricks with perverted old rich men back in the early 1990’s.  Lavely and Singer responded to these truths by threatening to sue Landover Baptist.  They attacked our religion, our beliefs and our faith.  You may have thought that the law firms defending child molesters and 9/11 conspirators are the bottom of the barrel.  Lavely & Singer prove that if you lift the barrel up…

Congratulations, Tiger Woods.  Not only has your need to dip your wick into every white gal from Beverly Hills to the Hamptons shown your true colors, your decision to hire notorious Satan-lovers, Lively & Singer reveals that you will do anything for money, power and prestige.  When all of this is over, don’t bother applying for a janitorial position at our church.  We’d just assume hire a non-prominent wetback.  And we wouldn’t hire Lavely & Singer to defend us in Animal Court.  Laverne & Shirley would do a better job!"

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