Our confidence that the rapture was right around the corner arose when God's Own Party dominated the last elections. Despite the fact that heathen Al Gore won over half a million more votes nationwide than young Bush, God made sure Bush was elected. He started by ensuring the colored folks and boat people in Florida, who care only about welfare and handouts, were kept from the polls. When that wasn't enough, he intervened further and had the Supreme Court break all precedent and its past commitment to states' rights and issue an opinion naming Bush president, notwithstanding what the pitiful masses had said. And even though God had a momentary lapse and let the Senate split 50-50 between Demoncrats and Godly Republicans, He ensured that any tie votes would go our way by giving us as vice-president, Dick Cheney, the man whose voting record in Congress was more Puritan-like than anyone's in history.

We understandably believed God put our Republicans in command because He wanted the End Times to begin. And our Godly Republicans increased our confidence by immediately setting about to make the Book of Revelation come true. From the apostle John, we know the End Times will occur when the Earth will be plagued with fires, earthquakes, plagues, the destruction of plant, animal and human life and the dominance of creatures like locusts and other destructive bugs. Those do-gooder Demoncrats want to take our money and tax our corporations so they can make the environment and ecology fit for future generations to come when True Christians/Republicans know there aren't going to be many future generations to come. Why waste money on a pipe dream of a clean world for decades in the future? Godly Republicans sought to let us enjoy every second of what little time we have left by pushing to slash taxes, especially for those with enough money to notice it, and eliminating all taxes on those inheriting more than $600,000. Demoncrats responded that this would return the nation to the budget deficits of the '80's and destroy Social Security, thereby creating insurmountable burdens for our grand and great grand children. Hah! We, of course, knew that there wouldn't be any world left by then. We'll be floating on clouds, playing harps, long before our kid's kids even know what "retirement" means.

Not only did Republicans seek to make our immediate lives better, but they did so with an eye to facilitating the Biblically-prescribed rapture. What better way to ensure that we enjoy these last few years than by mandating more use of coal, nuclear and oil -- cheap energy we know -- in place of spending our money on alternative fuels and conservation, the benefits of which wouldn't be realized until after the planet is long gone? And what better way to facilitate the apocalypse described in Revelation than by building more nuclear power plants which generate enough radiation to create those giant horse-like locusts with lion's teeth and scorpion's tails God has promised, come Judgment Day (Revelation 9:7-10)? What better way to get rid of all the excess animals so that only bugs and scavenger birds remain (Revelation 19:17-18) than to put those new oil wells right into wildlife sanctuaries? All this panic by the tree-loving Demoncrats over endangered species and loss of wildlife for future generations? Hah! Republicans realized the truth – we'll be in the waiting room to be fitted for halos before our grandchildren even know what a caribou looks like.

Indeed, we, Republicans, know the truth. Rather than trying to save this planet, we should face and facilitate the inevitable – it's time for the planet to go. Ban all aid to family planning and contraception and let those rabbit-like Chinese and Hindus overrun Asia's resources. Ignore the conflict in the Middle East and let those towel heads and Christ killers wreak havoc on the region and engage in the sorts of terrorism that could only mean God will be here with his Heavenly roster that much sooner. Dare the Chinese to invade Taiwan by assuring them we will be there to escalate the conflict. The bottom line is that this is God's time, and not the time for peace-lovers or Greenpeace.

When Senator Jeffords became an Independent, he signaled that the start of Revelation has been delayed. The Demoncrats will now insist that we protect the environment, develop reusable energy sources, support the poor in third world nations, help prevent conflict in Asia and the Middle East and, perhaps worst of all, prevent the appointment of those judges who would ensure that the Ten Commandments, rather those pesky ten first amendments to the Constitution, are law.

True Christians everywhere had better unpack their bags and clean their automatic weapons, for it looks as though the world is going to be here a while longer. Let us pray in mourning for us all. Amen

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