Sermon By Brother Harry Hardwick 

Friends, normally I would stand up here and preach a sermon, but today I have a news flash directly from Hell.  It was so uplifting that I thought I'd share it with you.  It reads as such:

Last Sunday night, Pope John Paul II sent a message to his countless mourners via Archangel Michael (who translated the missive into English, the only language understood by True Christians™).  John Paul II assured his followers that Hell isn’t nearly as bad as he frequently preached it to be.  “First, I strongly encourage you to stop fawning all over me or those plaster busts of my head, as though I was some sort of ‘idol,’” the Pope’s message said.  “I learned the hard way that my countless prayers to Mary and the various saints (particularly Anthony, to help me find all those keys my shaking hands kept dropping) really irritated God, who was apparently serious about those prohibitions on idolatry in the Old Testament.  And Jesus, who testified at my brief trial at the Pearly Gates, was obviously not happy that his mother got so much deferential attention from my millions of followers. 

The Pope reported that the conditions in Hell are bearable, though far from pleasant.  “I had assumed that if I wound up here, at least I would be away from that anorexic, Mother Theresa, who spent her entire life trying to one-up me,” the Pope noted.  “But not so!  There she was.  Apparently, she, like so many of us, assumed that being baptized at birth and performing Christ-like acts throughout her life would be enough for her to eventually walk through the Pearly Gates.  It turns out that we both wound up here for different reasons.  I was told that my unshakable commitment to Old Testament precepts, despite the Christ’s superseding words, was responsible for my plight.  It seems I had just too much trouble dealing with all that acceptance, tolerance and compassion broohaha that Jesus preached. “ 

By contrast, according to Heaven’s press release, Mother Theresa never took the affirmative act of abandoning her sense of self-worth, self-esteem and self-achievement by accepting what a miserable wretch she inherently was and asking Jesus to come into her life to supplant her intrinsically despicable self and make her a person of value, ensuring that she blindly follow the teachings of the Christian Coalition and G.O.P., without ever questioning their logic, motives or financial dealings.  After weeks of waiting in the Judgment Day line, where Mother Theresa had consoled Salem witch-burners, 1960’s Baptist KKK members and Pentecostal child molesters, the nun was whisked to Hell while her audience ascended into Heaven since each of them had at one time or another, sober or otherwise, asked Jesus to enter their lives. 

The Pope encouraged his followers to adhere to the Lord’s word, no matter how inexplicable, and avoid Hell.  “It’s really . . . hot down here,” he noted, censoring himself (through Michael).  “Plus, I have been sodomized by demons here on an hourly basis, though that really doesn’t differ much in kind from my pre-teen years as an altar boy.  Fortunately, the quarts of sweat dripping down my rear are almost as efficient as K-Y.  But it’s still better to have control over your own schedule and not have your moments of deviance dictated.” 

The Pope concluded by encouraging all his followers to go to Confession regularly.  “The videotapes of unsaved and consequently Hell-bound Catholics confessing their sins to mere mortals are just about the only entertainment we have down here in Hell.  And frankly, the confession booth tapes from those churches within former Cardinal O’Connor’s parishes are better than a Jeff Stryker video.”