Let me tell you now some of the things that tick me off about these ‘religions’ posing as Christianity. I have heard it said, though I've never seen it for myself (I’d probably puke my guts up on the spot if I did) woman preachers. That's right, woman behind the pulpit. Skirt wearin’ bobbed-haired women disguised as men of god. My Bible doesn't allow that. I don't see it anywhere in the good book. I don't want to see it anywhere in the world. The folks that is guilty of this abomination belong to the sect of liberal Presby-terians and Metho-dists that have had their faith in the good book leak out the back doors of the church. I don't need to say anything really about the Unitarians. You may as well dig a hole down to hell and call out. “Hey, Lucifer. You mind if we start up a church in yer honor?” That's the devil-worshipping Unitarians. As far as I’m concerned, their fate has been sealed in the deepest pit of hell. 

I often wonder about the Mormons. What in tar nation.. is that all about? I guess God was sittin’ up in heaven after all was said and done. He was just sittin' up there when he slapped the side of his head and said, “Awww, you know? I completely forgot about something, Jesus, U’re gonna kill me!” Then he runs off and gets one of his angels, one nobody ever heard of, goes by the name of Moroni (I believe this was a demon but that's another story). He said, “Hey Moroni, you mind doin’ me a favor and puttin’ these here tablets in a cave somewhere in the Adirondacks fer me?” Moroni probably looked at him and said, “But these don't mean nuthin’, God.” Then God probably said, “Shut up Moroni, and do as you're told.” Then after a few years God said, “Did he take those tablets down there yet?” Jesus might have said, “Why, yes he did.” Then God slapped his forehead and said, “That stupid angel! He took the wrong tablets! Those were just my notes!” And there you have the Mormons. That was easy, wasn't it? 

I just thought of somethin’ else. Its them Catho-licks with their Rosary Beads. They used em in the Bible too didn't they? Wasn't there a tribe of Philistines in the Old Testament who used a string of beads to count off how many Jews they be-headed? Oh, that couldn't be it now, could it? Them Catho-licks use em to count their prayers. That's somewhere in on of Paul's letters ain’t it. In the Epistles, doesn't Paul say somethin’ like, “If some of you new Christians is too dumb to count, why not use the old bead around the string method?” Maybe it went somethin’ more like, “God isn't interested in what you've got to say, or whether or not you really say it, Its how many times you say it that really counts. He don't keep count very well, but if you keep sayin’ the same thing over and over again, you may get on his nerves enough for him to listen. Then when he’s talkin’ to you, you can show him your nice little necklace and remind him how many times you kept repeatin’ yerself!” Well now, that seems like a nice little idea don't it? 

Another thing that just 'irks me is this incense they got smokin up the house of God (If a Catho-lick church can be called the house of God). Wasn't there a bunch of folks from Scotland about four thousand years ago who lit that junk in the middle of a five-pointed star while they drained the blood of their first born sons? Oh, I’m sorry, I was talkin’ about the Catho-licks wasn't I? Yeah, I guess they're right. It does say somewhere in Revelation somethin' 'bout incense. It was somethin’ Jesus forgot to mention, so he added it a little later, “Oh, and John? Don't forget to write this. Sometimes the church starts to smell real bad, just light up one of them little sticks that the Persians sell down in the market. Write it so that God seems like he needs a good whiff every once and awhile. You wouldn't want to offend anyone by tellin’ them their church stinks now, would you?” And John would say, “Are you sure?” And Jesus would say, “Just do it! What kind of impression are folks gonna have if they come into a stinky cathedral.” And John would ask, “What’s a cathedral?” And Jesus would say, “Never mind, you'll never live to see one, just write the book!” 

You know what? I’m thinkin’ bout becomin’ a Moron, er excuse me.. Mormon. I kinda like the idea of gettin’ my own planet. I don't think I could put up with the old lady for all eternity though. That's why the Morons allow you to have more than one wife! Who knows what the devil is goin’ on up in them fancy heads of theirs. I got a question though! Who is the God of this planet? Is it that fellow Josy Smith? Now that was one crazy character wasn't it. Oh yeah, I almost forgot.. he gave us the Other Testament of Jesus Christ. We sure did need that, didn't we? I guess it's mentioned somewhere in the Gospel of John where Jesus says, “Oh, and by the way, you'll be really excited to know that I've got another Testament to give you all!” And all his followers were like, “Great news, Jesus, can you tell us what it is?” And Jesus said, “Well, that's the thing, it's not going to be made available to you’all for another two-thousand years.” And they all were like, “Two-thousand more years? What good is that gonna do us?” And Jesus said something like, “You know? You're right, it's not gonna do you any good. In fact, I’ll be seein’ ya, I got better things to do till then.” And the followers said, “But, what about us?” And Jesus shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, tough luck, I guess.” 

Oh, them Jehovy-Witnesses is even worse. Those folks is scared of their own shadows. Boarding up their houses when any holiday comes around. Not celebratin’ their own birthday, let alone the birthday of Jesus. You know? Maybe they're right. Maybe God’s gonna let us all know about that. “I’m sorry, you all led pretty good lives and everything, you believe in Jesus, you followed the commandments, what can I say?” And we’ll all be standin’ there waitin’ to get into heaven. We start walkin’ foreward. God starts talkin’ again, “But you know what?” And we’re all like, “What?” And He says, “You all really ticked me off with all them birthday parties.” And we’re all standin’ there waitin’ for his ‘perfect justice’ to be done. And God says to us, “You all can sing happy birthday all you want!” And we’re all excited and our faces all light up, and then God puts his nose up in the air and says, “...in HELL!” Oh, that's a peach ain’t it? And all the Jehovy-Witnesses is skippin’ their way along through the pearly gates. 

You know what? Them confessionals in the Catho-lick church really bug me too. What is that all about? Comin' to confession? “Oh father forgive me for I have sinned. I was gonna ask God for forgiveness, but I thought I’d better come to you first.” Yeah, that's it. Luke wrote somethin’ about it in his Gospel. When the curtain was torn at the point of Jesus’ crucifixion. It opened the way for all people to enter the holy of holies without the priest as a mediator. But Luke added, “This was an accident caused by the earthquake and thunderstorms. The people had ran to the synagogue and sewn that curtain back up before anyone got inside. You’all still can’t get in there. Jesus don't have time to talk to you’all. Just offer your greif  up to one of them fancy dressed priests and he’ll deliver a ‘collective prayer’ for you all. Please remember, they are the only ones authorized to come to God in prayer or confession. Do not try it yourself, it could be very dangerous.” What a bunch of non-sense! “oh, father I’m not worthy to come to God in prayer, could you go to him for me?” The priest is like, “sure, that's what I’m here for. You know what? If you never figured out how to use yer tiddley winker, you could do the same thing too! be a priest, I mean.” 

I’d like to talk more about O-cult practices in the church, but I don't have much time. I've got a church picnic, I've got to meet with my Christian Broker, I have to put in an order for some imported Italian stained glass, and the football game is this afternoon, so your soul is gonna have to wait.