2003 Easter Message | Pastor Deacon Fred   

Easter time is coming my friends, and its God's will that this year our nation's Christian troops will be celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ by festively prancing about knee-deep in Arab blood!  Friends, the time is ripe for the Lord's return and the signs are everywhere! Even little Mormon harlots have abandoned their vagabond sex-slaves to return home to prepare for the final days and a book deal.  I believe that Jesus might be on His way back to earth, just in time for Easter!  The signs are everywhere. You think unemployment under the lingering legacy of the venereal disease-ridden scoundrel Bill Clinton is bad?  Just wait until the Lord sends pink slips to every secular scientist in the land who dares to go nosing about beyond the pages of a trusty King James Bible for so-called "information."  Take a look around you, my friends. The world is changing. One need only open up the Holy Bible to get the daily news, and more Americans are realizing that every day. As a result, I believe that many will soon understand that science and so-called "logic" don't have any place in God's Country.

As our True Christian™ President, George W. Bush hastens to move pieces of Bible prophecy into place to finish the Apocalyptic puzzle, it brings a tear of joy to my eyes to see the citizens of America rising up for the glorious, if gruesome, cause of Biblical mayhem! It couldn't be any clearer, brothers and sisters! It's us Christians versus the Evildoers! And we all know how the story is going to end, because we have The Book! Shout Glory! I know that all of you want to be with me on the glorious day that will signal the Lord is ready to return to Earth to do some serious butchering.  I can't wait to witness those hapless Jews happily fulfill prophesy in Jerusalem – and then politely wave "bye-bye" to them as Jesus summarily flings their still-celebrating bodies into the fires of an everlasting Hell. If the silent majority wasn't commanded by God to keep silent, you'd be hearing this message pouring from their lips!  

My friends, church attendance is going up. It's the highest it's ever been in this country. We've had to install another neon comma to separate the numbers on our digital tithe counter hanging over the choir.  People are returning to the Biblical roots that founded this great nation. The stern nature of our forefathers the Puritans and their no-nonsense approach to stringing up folks who flaunt their so-called individuality has fresh appeal in a nation overrun with people raised to think it is A-OK to go ahead and be different. Soon, America will be restored to its full glory. We may have to kill a whole mess of foreigners to do it, but have no doubt: our resolve is strong. We will return to the days where Christian doctors diagnosed the common cold, not with a mouthful of biological mumbo-jumbo and more pills than you could find in the bottom of Liza Minnelli's purse, but simply for what it is -- full-blown demon possession.  Soon, our town squares will replace park benches now wasted on old colored winos with stockades and gallows, so that the otherwise useless wages of sin can at least provide entertainment to lunch-time crowds, Glory! That's the cure for the common cold, my friends! And you can study all you want, and get all the community college degrees you like, but you still won't know anything unless you believe that Jesus, after being dead for three days, crawled out of that hole, and shuffled his re-animated corpse around the Earth again before floating off to heaven like a goose feather, caught in the wind.

It's like Benjamin Franklin said, "Saviors in caves are like fish and houseguests; after three days, you throw them out!"  Glory!

The imminent apocalypse foretold in Scripture is unfolding before our eyes like a  daytime soap opera too bloody for daytime tv and Bible believing Americans are glued to their television sets. Why are we watching? Because if we get out of our chairs for a minute, we might miss the Lord Jesus coming down through the clouds with his army of flying horses. I know that these are the final hours my friend.  How sure am I?  Well, I haven't taken a bowel movement in 72 hours and I have promised God that I won't sit on a toilet again until I see Jesus.  You see?  You have to have faith!  And there is no way, when the Lord Jesus returns in His glory, that I going to be stuck mid-poop on the commode.  And that will be the day of days, my friends! As True Christians™, we believe that on that day, Jesus is going to slaughter everyone on Earth who doesn't believe that He is the Son of God with all the particulars of our rarified brand of faith! I just hope there are some Baptist cameramen left at CNN, to get it all on tape! Praise the sweet name of Jesus!

Friends, these are exciting times, do you know that thousands of people are getting saved out there in the streets, even as we sit here in our air-conditioned church and have our shoes brought to a glorious spit-shine as a roving pack of Mexicans silently moves from pew to pew? Brothers and sisters, even more people in this world are throwing off false religions like, Islam, Yoga, Catholicism (mother complex pedophilia), Amway and Veganism. They are turning to flatter the one true Living God of the Holy Bible, and He must be blushing from all the attention! But baby Jesus knew it was coming! In fact, he warned people that if they didn't flatter Him, He had some really nasty surprises up his sleeve in store for them.  Amen! Love the Lord Jesus, my dear friends! Or He will burn you in Hell! It's not that hard to understand. Compliment Jesus or burn. It took me half a second to make that decision, and I was only two-years old!