Sermon by Pastor Deacon Fred

Most members of this congregation have never seen a Mooslim in person. You've seen them on the news, blowing up buildings, and in movies, stealing babies and killing Christians. I've seen a few of these so-called "people," up close when I've visited the Holy Land. You don't want to get too close, because they don't use deodorant and they sweat garlic. It's not pleasant. They smell as bad as Injuns. And they're just plain mean to everyone. Now, I don't want to talk about the Mooslim people today. If I were to start, we'd miss this afternoon's football game because I'd be talking for hours. What I do want to talk about today is what the Mooslim people believe. Their jaded history, their false idol "Allah" and his son, Moohummad, and their Hell-wrought quest for vengeance against the true God who rightfully cut them out of their eternal inheritance.

Everyone knows the story of Abram. If you don't, then read Genesis chapters 12-22. God promised Abram his own country. The only problem was that Abram didn't have a son. He might not have cared about it much, but his wife, Sa'rai, knew that by God's law, her husband's earthly possessions would go to the head servant if there weren't no kids around. She got worried and forgot God's promise to her husband, and in a fit of desperation, she offered up her Egyptian servant, Hagar to, Abram. Hagar got jealous of Sa'rai after having sexual relations with Abram, as women are wont to do. Sa'rai saw this, and with Abram's blessing, she kicked the harlot out of the house. Turns out Hagar had a son. It is this son, and all of his descendants that are causing most of the problems in the world today. His name was Ishmael, and he was the first towel-head, or to use a politically correct term, A-rab. God told Hagar in Genesis 16:10-12, "And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him." Ishmael was to father powerful nations, but none of his descendants would be allowed to go to Heaven after they died. They were born bad.

The real treat came when Abram was 90-years old and he circumcised himself with a sharp stone. That made his penis pure enough to get through to Sa'rai and produce a real son named Isaac. God told him he was to cut at the penises of every descendant born through Sa'rai if he wanted his family to be blessed on Earth and go to Heaven after they died. It would still have been mandatory for all of us today to cut off our penises if Paul didn't come along and tell us it was just an option. I suggest you do so, if you haven't already. It adds a nice Old Testament touch, and your penis will look just like Jesus' penis.

Let's jump forward a few thousand years. The descendants of Ishmael are running around in the desert worshipping all kinds of gods. Satan saw that a large portion of them were worshipping the moon-god. Some were even worshipping the daughters of the moon-god, Al-lat, Al-uzza, and Manat. They were called "The Daughters of Allah." The moon-god was called "Allah." Old Lucifer got it into his big red head that he could unite all of these idol-worshipping towel-heads under Allah. He did this by appearing to a person that was already very upset that God wasn't going to let him go to heaven just because he was a descendent of Ishmael. That feller's name was Moohammad. Demons helped him write a book called, "the Ko-ran," which is basically an instruction manual on how to kill anyone who doesn't worship the moon. Now we have entire countries of God-hating moon-worshippers shooting everyone out of jealousy, just because God isn't going to let them go to Heaven. Why, it's even got so twisted up that nowadays, these Mooslims (moon worshippers) think that they are the ones going to Heaven and everyone else is going to Hell. It's a shame that none of them can read English. If they did, they could open up the Bible and find out that God had it out for them from day one. The only way for them to avoid Hell is to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. And it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon, because the minute you start running your mouth about Jesus being the Son of God, they shoot you dead.

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