 |
 |
December 2007
|
|
|
The Deacon Fred Family: PASTOR'S FAMILY CHRISTMAS NEWSLETTER
Another year has passed. And -- still -- the Lord hasn't gotten around to killing sinners and zapping us into Glory. As I look around me at the mall this Christmas season, I see sinners happily shopping for family and friends and laughing, enjoying this time of mirth and joy, and it makes me pretty darn sad. I wonder, "When is the Lord going to get off His White Throne of Judgment and start killing these folks?" Anyway, while we wait for that glorious day, God has commanded me again to send seasonal greetings to my wealthy Christian friends and family to let them know how significant and important I still am to all of you. And how much He appreciates all the cash you stuff into envelopes for Him at least four times a month. He also wanted me to list the folks that tend to spit in His face by resorting to insultingly low denominations, but, this being Christmas and all, I don't want to humiliate folks. The Lord knows who you are and so do I. Let's leave it at that. I can publish your family's name in January. As most of you probably already know, one sinner that didn't make it to Christmas was my nephew Paulie, who was shot at my brother Billy's home over Thanksgiving. The newspaper called what happened a tragedy, but the Lord and I would politely disagree. Paulie stood up after the family prayer in front of 30 relatives and announced that he was a filthy homosexual and that he wasn't going to hide it from anyone anymore. (Of course, anyone who had seen him in his high school production of "Bye Bye Birdie" last spring was shocked to hear that he had actually been trying to hide it!) Well, Grandpa Buck would have none of that. He pulled his shotgun from underneath the table and unloaded a round of buckshot into Paulie's hand-knitted cashmere sweater . Buck then stood up and read from Ephesians 5:3: "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." The family then held off desert long enough to bury Paulie 200-yards away from their Christian home in the backyard under the neighbor's dog house. They then set themselves back down to finish a wonderfully prepared 12-course holiday meal. So I announce sadly, that Paulie left us to go home to spend eternity in the Lake of Fire with his lover, Satan - and we are the better (thanks be to following God's Holy Word and always having some spare rounds of ammo) for it. After much soul searching this year, I signed a $1.5 million advance with Zondervan Christian Publishers to write my autobiography. It will be written with assistance from a dear Christian friend, Mel White, who assisted Dr. Falwell (who went home to be with Baby Jesus this year) with his autobiography. Construction on the Landover Baptist All-Purpose Multi-Temple was jumpstarted again this year as our missionaries in Mexico delivered over 200 more workers to the site. We estimate that the East Wing, which includes the Solomon Spa for Senior Saints, The Leviticus Leisure Lounge for Landover Ladies, and the Food Court will be complete by October 2008. My wife, Margaret sends everyone her love. She has been busy ministering this year for the Lord with Mrs. Betty Bowers, Sister Taffy, and other Landover Ladies on the new Republican Faith Chat internet ministry. I attended several Atheist and Secular Humanist gatherings this year where I was able to lead dozens of young ladies to Christ late at night in their hotel rooms. I even suffered through entire evenings with these lost women. I refused to leave their bedrooms until they confessed Christ and asked Jesus to forgive them for what they just did. Under the Lord's silver strings of puppetic guidance, I look forward to continuing my YouTube teaching ministry and PodCasts. These ministries have seen hundreds led to Christ, away from Christ, sort of back near Christ, then away, and finally back, throughout the past year. This Holiday season, I will be leading the Landover Baptist Junior High Youth Group and Hardwick Construction Company on daily outings to bolt down into concrete pilings 250 complimentary stainless steel nativity displays in front of local mosques and synagogues. We will also go Christian Christmas Caroling in Jewish and Islamic neighborhoods in Des Moines each night starting on December 15th. Please keep the youths in your prayers as they bring the precious love of Jesus to members of these false religions. This coming election year, with assistance from the non-profit group, Hillbillies for Huckabee, we are working developing a Christian voter's guide for the 85% of Baptist Americans who can't process simple instructions when they don't involve firearms. We hope to make it understandable even to folks with a 2nd grade education as we look forward to putting a True Christian™ back in the White House for another eight years. I wish you and your Republican Baptist families the happiest of holidays and remember, Jesus is the reason for the season - and He's also the reason the folks you don't like are going straight to Hell!
Copyright
2007-2008, Americhrist Ltd.
All rights reserved. Terms
of Service
|
|
Dear
