As always, Satan's shopping list of Christmas gifts are guaranteed to
send your child to prison – and you to a shallow grave. The
following Christmas toys are banned from purchase. Be warned: If
one of these items is found in your home or on your person, then you'll
have to find yourself another place to worship, for you are no longer welcome
at this Godly church.
Leap
Start Learning Table - Marketed to
Caucasian children and Colored adults, this so-called "Learning
Table" spits out lies about math, science and other secular bunk
Christ-haters teach in public schools. We suggest you just start your toddler
out with an illustrated King James Bible and a spanking instead.
iPod
Mini - Children will download Satanic
siren calls from punk rockers like Clay Akin onto this device. The iPod is not
equipped with a child safety lock so Christian parents don't know if their
kids are listening to Pastor's sermons or Lucifer's belches. Apple also uses a
logo that mocks the Lord by embracing the symbol of fallen man.
Homo-Robo-Sapien
- This bowlegged robot walks with the waddle of a Nancy Boy whose rectum is
sore from a long night of deviant sex. When the strategically placed
power switch between its legs is tilted up to full erection power, it starts a
humpin' on anything nearby with voracious
lust and moral abandon, and you can't stop it.
Tickle
Me Elmo - What the instructions on this
perverted little toy don't tell you is that if your child tickles Elmo on the
nape between his hairy red testicles and fuzzy hiney, instead of letting out a
giggle, he twitches and moans in a suggestive manner, squirting warm yogurt
(not included) into your sweet child's face. SHOCKING
LINK!>
World
of Warcraft - A video game spawned in the pits
of hell. Kids learn to
kill their parents by "questing." They are exposed to naked
elves with giant purple bosoms which invite their soft and eager fingers.
They learn to peel human skin by "leatherworking" with more glee
than even sadistic Mary
Worshipper Mel Gibson dared!
More>
Aquapets
- This penis-shaped toy is capable of opening up the very gates of Hell
in your own Christian rumpus room. Aquapets are talking masturbation
teaching toys. Your innocent pre-teen daughter will be transformed into a
tallywacker-addicted slut before the Lord manages to drain the two D batteries
of their Satanic powers. More>
Sponge
Bob Square Pants - This lewd and
perverted nelly little yellow cartoon character is causing chaos in Christian
homes across America. Not only does Sponge Bob encourage children to question
their parents' gender - but if you flip him upside down, his eyes and nose
become engorged genitals. Read
More>
The
Grinch Doll - Creation Scientists
estimate that if you peel back the green hairs between the legs of this doll,
one in every 200 is equipped with a tiny green penis, which is clearly a
"dildo" intended to be used on small household pets and insects. It
is amazing the sick, perverted things will pop into the minds of unsaved
liberals! More>
Special Notice to Church Members
Regarding this List
Although we would love to see production halted on literally
thousands of secular Christmas gifts, that time has not yet come. God willing,
our True Christian™ President, George W. Bush will usher in that perfect
world in the next few years. Until then, we are providing you with the above
list of the most dangerous and demonic Christmas gifts ever conceived by man.
Pending lawsuits exist between Landover Baptist and the manufacturing agency
of each of the gifts listed above. These objects have harmed one or more members of our
church in the last year and have caused a great division within the body of Christ.
We ask for your patience until we see the toy makers thrown in jail.
Anyone
caught using any of the products listed above is subject to the fines and
termination guidelines found on pages 874-900 of the Landover Baptist Rules
and Regulations Manual for the Freehold, Iowa True Christian™ Community.
iPod
Mini
Homo-Robo-Sapien
