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Do Children Deserve Anything
For Christmas? Sunday
School Essay Contest!
 In
their effort to remind all Landover children that they are
worthless, wretchedly sinful beings worthy of death and lucky to have
survived this long based solely on the fickle grace of God, all
Sunday school teachers announced a contest in their classes
to see which students have made the most concerted effort to
follow the Lord’s Word this year and can therefore justify
even asking for presents.
Students were instructed to identify at least one New
Testament verse they had made a conscious effort to follow
and to explain in a brief essay how they had fulfilled
Jesus’ commands. Submissions
are due no later than early morning services on December 14,
2003, with the top five finishers announced during the
fourth passing of the collection plate during Sunday’s daybreak services.
Families of the winning youngsters will receive gifts
ranging from an all-expense-paid, weekend trip to Topeka,
Kansas to attend services at Westboro
Baptist Church to a life-sized nativity scene for their
front lawn, constructed entirely out of Popsicle sticks
generously provided to the Freehold Juvenile Detention
Center by the Hardwick family.
The following excerpts are from
essays already submitted to date:
Jonathan Simmons, 14 (President, Freehold High Needlework and Crochet Society)
“When the bullies beat me up
after school, whenever they punch me in the face, I always
grab the cheek they punch first, meaning the other one
turns in their direction for them to punch (Matthew 5:39).
When they steal my coat, I never resist if they try
to take other items of clothing (Luke 6:29).”
Elizabeth Helmsley, 13 (Voted
“Most Popular Christian Girl,” Freehold Junior High)
“I am very selective in whom I
allow to be my friends.
I socialize only with saved Christians (and only a
few of them), and don’t even speak in the hallways to
any Muslims or Jews (2 John 1:10; 1 Corinthians 10:20;
Romans 16:17-18). I
wouldn’t even have dinner with the family of any
Catholic girl (1 Corinthians 5:11-13).”
Gloria Swenson, 8 (Undergoing
chemotherapy for blood cancer (determined not demon-related)
at Landover Memorial Hospital)
“Whenever I attend church, pray
or go out in public, I always keep my head covered at all
times, like all females are supposed to do (1 Corinthians
11:5-6)."
Steve Austin, 15 (Wrestling team
member, Freehold High, and one of the boys who tries to
teach Jonathan Simmons about manliness)
“I definitely love Jesus more
than anyone in my family (Matthew 10:37).
In fact, I can’t stand my family.
I despise both my parents, and let them know it all
the time, but I do love the Lord (Luke 14:26).”
Peter Hardwick, 10 (Heaviest
boy, Landover Elementary)
“Like the apostles, and as Jesus
instructed, I eat lots and lots of red meat.
I haven’t found an animal yet I didn’t consider
a great meal (1 Timothy 4:1-3; Acts 10:9-13).
I stay away from athletics, constantly praying
instead, because I know Jesus sees little benefit to
physical activity (1 Timothy 4:8).”
Sheryl Cooper, 16 (Member of the
Ladies’ Golf, Tennis and Basketball Teams, Freehold High)
“Unlike less Godly girls, I
don’t wear fancy dresses or skirts to school.
I wear simple, modest apparel, combing my hair
straight and never wearing some fancy hairdo.
I don’t wear jewelry or any other costly things
(1 Timothy 2:9).”
George Lott, 12 (Held back in
fourth grade three times, Freehold Elementary)
“I study the Bible rather than
those secular subjects they teach at school, completely
ignoring science class (1 Timothy 6:20; 2 Corinthians
10:5). I know
better than to study anything other than God’s Word.”
Jennifer Smith, 15 (Landover
High)
“During the months when my
mother was in constant pain, dying from a brain tumor, I
prayed and prayed that God would cure her or at least take
her quickly. When
my prayers weren’t answered, I realized that was because
I was a sinner who asked for too much (James 4:3). I spent the next six months begging for forgiveness
for all the things I had done to upset Him.”
Theresa Bombay, 17 (Landover
High)
“Early in the year, I
volunteered to work at the downtown homeless shelter,
serving food to those without work.
When I realized that God did not want the
unemployed to eat (2 Thessalonians 3:10), I quit my job
and now spend my weekends protesting at the local Planned
Parenthood center, screaming at the patients how they’re
nothing more than murderers.”
Mary Maladen, 13 (Landover High)
"I used to like to talk a
lot, so it’s been really difficult, but I now make
certain never to open my mouth in church (1 Corinthians
14:34-35). Even
in Sunday school, I let the boys answer all the questions.
When my math teacher asked me to tutor some of the
football players who were having trouble in our class, I
declined, telling him that, as a girl, I should never try
to teach. Instead,
I should keep my mouth shut and just have babies (once
I’m married, of course)(1 Timothy 2:11-15)."
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