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December 2001
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Part 3 : "How to Rear A Child"
What more important topic is there to a lady’s mental health than effective child rearing? Nothing can spoil a lady’s disposition, not to mention a quiet breakfast on the lanai, than a bunch of unpleasant brats, screaming that they want food and attention. My helpful hints can help you can avoid the inconvenience of diverting time from your busy schedule to tend to children. Before we begin, let me emphasize that every Christian lady must endure the unfortunate hardship of raising these people. Bear in mind the Bible explains that we, women, are wretched, inherently sinful beings, cursed for all generations by the sin of Eve. Under our seemingly bizarre religion, the sins of one individual yield punishment for every successive generation bred, regardless of culpability. In Numbers 14:18, God tells us that He will punish the “iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.” Well, the same is true for women. In fact, because Eve ate that darn apple, all women throughout time are cursed. Our only hope for salvation is to bear children. Jesus said so. The apostle Paul, the Lord’s posthumous press secretary, tells us in First Timothy 2:11-15: “Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.” Like so many verses in the Lord’s Guide to Daily Living, these passages hardly seem fair. After all, why should a woman born barren automatically be consigned to the scrap heap of Hell? But alas, I stopped trying to understand or explain the Bible’s thousands of incomprehensible edicts long ago. If it’s in the Bible, it’s true, period. These verses, however, certainly don’t bode well for ladies like Ima Jean Tanner, a platinum level tither and diabetic. Ima Jean has tried to carry a child to term on seven separate occasions, only to be rebuffed each time. We had high hopes when the last of her unborn children reached the onset of the third trimester, but alas, it croaked shortly thereafter. The Ladies of Landover maintain vigilant prayer sessions in which we beg the Lord to let Ima Jean make it to the delivery room so that her baby at least exits the womb and cries before it perishes. It’s just another of the countless paradoxes of our faith that the difference between spending eternity in bliss and forever in flames is the difference between SIDS and miscarriage. Once the baby is born, you are not only allowed but required to send it to its Maker if it turns out to be unruly (Deuteronomy 21:21), curses you (Exodus 21:17; Matthew 15:4) or, Heaven forbid, strikes you (Exodus 21:15). Harry and I were committed to having 12 children, all boys, so we could have an entire family of youngsters named after the disciples. (As Harry says, a real man shoots only Y’s.) What a shame it took 14 deliveries (and injections of Demerol) for us to maintain such a clan. But there will always be one or two rotten apples in a barrel. You sometimes just have to thin the herd. I don’t recommend following the verses that tell us to eat unruly children (Ezekiel 5:10; Deuteronomy 28:53, 57; Jeremiah 19:9). One needn’t follow Weight Watchers to recognize how much excess fat that would involve. Nevertheless, you can put the fear of God in your offspring by reading them these verses. Our oldest son, Matthew, didn’t open his mouth for a week after the night I turned up the hot water on his bath and started slicing vegetables into the tub. Assuming the child isn’t too demonic, and only occasionally misbehaves, you are nonetheless allowed and obliged to beat the stuffing out of it with a rod. No less than three verses in Proverbs tell us so (23:13-14; 22:15; 13:24). That’s almost as many verses as those that tell us how wretched we women are. Harry and I hang a rod on a wall of every room in our house, and that has an amazing deterrent effect. Nonetheless, Harry is compelled to remove and use the implement at least once or twice a day. Surely you didn’t think my husband’s beautiful biceps came from a weight room. Not only does Biblical beating result in children that will rarely interrupt your cappuccino with whining, but it also ensures your boys will be of the Hardy, rather than the Nancy, variety. The latter would be too painful. A pelvis thrust against a welt hurts just as much as one thrust against a disfigured nose. Just ask Michael Jackson. Of course, you may decide to bypass the beatings and go straight to the blood-letting, like sister-in-Christ, Patsy Ramsey. Patsy’s favorite Bible verse is Psalms 137:9: “Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.” Patsy had planned to practice Psalms on both her offspring but ultimately decided against a second “kidnapping” in light of all the negative publicity the first episode generated. I told Patsy she’d have less problems with the press if she started out with a good beating and worked her way up to fingers around the throat. But you know Patsy - a real go-getter, never wanting to take baby steps. The bottom line is that you shouldn’t let a child ruin even a minute of your day. Start with the rod, and if that doesn’t quell him, reduce your family size by one. Now you know what to eat, how to exercise and how to raise children in a manner that will make them as little a distraction as possible. What more need a True Christian® lady know to lead a healthy and happy life? You’ll find out in Part 4 of the series.
Part 1: Dietary Tips
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Good day, ladies! It’s me, again, Mrs. Heather Hardwick, wife of internationally renowned preacher and debonair man-about-town, Brother Harry Hardwick. I’m here to bring you Part 3 of my series designed to help True Christian® ladies experience physical, mental and spiritual well-being. For you, newcomers, in Part 1, I provided a Christian menu that not only guarantees good health and happiness but ensures your husbands won’t leave the house after dinner to be with their friends. In Part 2, I showed you how an upstanding Christian lady can get all the physical activity she needs to have a body as fit as mine without committing the sin of donning lycra. The response to the series has been overwhelming. I have spent so much time reading the thousands of complimentary e-mails and letters you’ve sent that, several times, I’ve missed my mid-morning snack. This has prompted close friends to express concern that I’m just wasting away. But rest assured, I’ll persevere.
