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November 1999
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 Earlier
this week, church members learned that the Miracle Baby, was not really
a miracle after all but rather an abomination of human nature. Closer observation
of the child revealed that it was infected with a disgusting disease known
as, 'Downs Syndrome.' Church Doctor, Jonathan Edwards remarked, "I
could have sworn the little beast was Chinese by its slanted eyes and sloping
head. I began to suspect that there was something more to it when the child
did nothing but smile and eat. It expressed no emotion. There was also
a hideous birthmark found between the legs." Taffy Davenport Gaines
Crockett, who was close to the child from day one, noted the creature "had
both male and female sex organs developing down there!" She did not
want to say anything for fear of being rebuked by Dr. Edwards. It was noted
that the child (who was sent to a Russian Orphanage on Tuesday) had developed
male testicles, and a vagina. Pastor Ebeneezer insisted that the child
was beyond salvation, stating, "This must be someone's idea of a sick joke!
Quite possibly the homosexuals are pushing their agenda on us again, trying
sprinkle confusion among the Godly. It is impossible for an individual
to be born with two sexual organs. There is no scripture to support it
as anything more than an abomination from Hell. In the same vein, it is
impossible for an individual to be born with an innate affection towards
a member of the same sex. Everything here is an abomination. A murderer
has a better chance of gaining heaven than the hell baby, or a homosexual!
No one is ever to speak of this again."
After the news was made official, the Reynolds family was forced by church security to leave their home, and voluntarily give up church membership. A Russian orphanage offered Landover Baptist $5,000.00 for the child. "We took the money and they took the demon," remarked Pastor Deacon Fred, "the monster will be studied by secular doctors whose morbid sense of curiosity is easily quenched by the Devil's massage." The cursed family who bore the ghastly child has been asked to leave Landover Baptist. They were told to make no attempt to ever contact us again. "I don't think the abomination will live for more than a few years." Dr. Edwards assured parishioners. "I am sorry for the grief this has caused us, but the devil will use any means necessary to gain control of God's Chosen People. The Bible says that 'even the elect will be deceived,' and in this case we were. The child looked like a miracle on the outside, but time revealed that he was nothing more than 1/2 human, 1/2 demon creature sent from Hell, to confuse Church Members. Once again, apologies are in order. No one is ever to speak of this incident again, without written consent from the Pastor.
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