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November 2006
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Creation Scientists Trace Origin of Little Red Puppets to the Lake of Fire A Sound, Biblical Approach to Issues That Affect YOU!
Noted Evangelical scholar, Tim LaHaye, found that if you take every 6th letter in the 6th verse in the 6th chapter of Revelations it spells out: Tickle me Elmo! Naturally, since the Judeo-Christian view of the world hinges on incredible discoveries such as this, Creation Scientists insisted on gathering evidence and data to prove Mr. LaHaye's important theory. "In our initial research, we found that upon tickling Elmo between its legs, or its hind side, it begins to squirm and contort its bestial body into lewd sexual positions," reported Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "And this toy doesn't just giggle, my friends! No! We've heard it moan! If you rub it just so, in just the right spot, it groans and sighs with carnal delight! Dr. Edwards said when they first saw it for themselves, one of the doctors threw the toy across the room and stomped on its head repeatedly, yelling, "Get outta here, you demon! Get thee hence from God's Earth, and go back your father's home in Hell where ye were spawned!" Pastors at Landover Baptist were abruptly wrenched into the shocking world of Tickle Me Elmo when a church mother experienced first hand, the vile nature of the fiendish little red demon after unwittingly purchasing one for her young boy. Mrs. Timothy Huxton reported walking in on her son in the bathroom. "The doll was sitting on the sink, moving its hand up and down between its legs very quickly," she said. "When I yelled, Timmy! The doll turned his head and smiled at me. My son - who was standing in front of the mirror mimicking what the doll was doing, also turned toward me. I looked down to see a fully erect penis in his right hand, and before I could grab it, he ran to the bedroom!" Mrs. Huxton doesn't remember anything after that, since she fainted on the spot. When she came to, she dialed 911 and church Deacons arrived within minutes to remove the lewd toy from her Christian home. Her son was taken along with his Tickle Me Elmo puppet to the Creation Science Research Laboratory for further study. Pastor Deacon Fred has issued a nationwide holiday action alert to the secular media, Focus on the Family, and the National Association of Evangelicals. "We know this vile toy is growing more popular as Christmas approaches," he said. "We just want everyone in America to know that we've cancelled every holiday outreach ministry event in order to focus our full energy on getting toymakers to halt their distribution of this hairy little red demon and we encourage every other Bible believing church across this Godly nation to do the same! Glory! We'll worry about how Satan is getting all these little red puppets into the factories, later." If you'd like to help us in our efforts, please send a check of $500 or whatever you can afford over that amount. Rest assured, the money is going to do the Lord's work! This isn't the first time children's toys exhibited questionable behavior. Won't you be generous during the Lord's Birthday season? Do something that will make a difference in the lives of American children! Make your check payable to Wexler Offshore Holdings and send immediately to: Landover Baptist Ministries
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Freehold,
Iowa - Creation Scientists at Landover Baptist report that this year's most popular Christmas toy, Tickle Me Elmo TMX, should disturb even an unsaved family.
"It should be rated XXX, not TMX," says Dr.
Jonathan Edwards. "TMX is deliberately
misleading." Dr. Edwards warns that Elmo doesn't belong in a Christian
home. "It belongs in Hell," he says. "In fact,
we've traced the origin of the species and we're fairly
certain they were created by Satan. The Devil and his
toy distributors are holding nothing back with this rude little
creature. 
