Local Church News

Freehold, Iowa - "I call him, Chief Running Red Butt, in jest," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "Because I remember when we rescued him from his heathen parents' reservation split-level out in the woods, Pastor Hardwick unloaded a round of buckshot into his naked red hiney. Well, he's come a long way since then, when he was about 6-years old, just barely out of the papoose.  He had trouble walking because, and a lot of folks don't know this, but when Injun babies take their first steps, it is to hop around a fire.  I'm told most Injuns don't walk on both feet until they first get drunk and lose their balance, which is usually around eight or nine."

"From the trunk of Pastor Hardwick's Lincoln sedan , to the Landover Home for the Demonically Possessed in North Dakota, off to Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA to get his degree in Creation Science and then off to Missouri Bible College for his business degree in Tithe Administration, the Lord blessed little Red Butt.  Because, friends, if the Lord can turn dysenteric well water into a divine non-fermented Riesling at a wedding in Cana, He can sure as shooting turn unsaved Injun trash into a fine saved fellow who looks almost white if you don't get too close.  Over twenty years have passed, and I still remember that crying little sissy Injun boy we dumped off  in North Dakota in hopes that Jesus would help him."

Little Chief Running Red Butt, as Landover Baptist church members still call him, was converted to Christ after four days of electro-shock treatment on the cold wet floor of his demon-deprivation chamber  in Landover's facility in North Dakota.  It wasn't unit he was 16-years old before the cure finally took and he was released. A few days later, Jesus and brother Nathan Hargraves (who, armed with little more than a King James, the patience of Job and a shotgun, was Red Butt's caregiver at the time) led the former savage to change his name to Buford Donaldson.  He was forbidden to visit his so-called parents again on the land they swindled from the government to open one of Satan's neon betting parlors.  As Mrs. Betty Bowers told him: "The only type of reservations from now on will be for dinner, dear."

With the love of the Lord and manacles that would have made Samson think twice about any sudden movements, He gave up the sex, firewater, and public ding-dong wagging  that are so much a part of the Injun lifestyle and allowed Jesus to forge within his soul a change that was manifest through his outward appearance. "I understood that Jesus led me away from the evil influences of the Heathen Chippewa Nation for a purpose," he relates in his testimony now available on the Special Edition DVD, Taming the Heathen Savages of Freehold, Iowa:  The Miracle of Smallpox, (available at the Landover Baptist Gift store for a love offering of $320).  And the Lord Jesus relates (in the voice of Dr. Nathan Hargraves) on the riveting commentary track of the DVD: "If Rev. Hardwick and Pastor Deacon Fred hadn't shot that crazy little piece of squaw litter that day and dumped his worthless unsaved carcass off in North Dakota, who knows where that boy would be be today? Well, I mean that rhetorically, of course, because I do. At the bottom of a bottle of off-label booze, drunk out of his mind with the rest of the savages, bugging Me night and day with prayers for white harlots, until he winded up in a dusty gully after downing a CVS-brand bottle of mouthwash just for the 40% alcohol.  Yes, he would have died with surprisingly little plaque, but no one compliments oral hygiene in Hell."

In his early twenties, through the help of an anonymous Christian donor (who also donated all of the money to retrofit a Winnebago for the Herbert L. Jopinsaker Mobile Sterilization Outreach to Negroid Females), young Red Butt was able to afford expensive medical procedures that changed his skin pigmentation. "The Bible says, 'avoid all appearances of evil' (1 Thess 5:22), so obviously I had to make it a top priority to find a way to stop looking like the hell bound, red-skinned, Injun drunkard that I was," he relates in his testimony. "I knew nobody would take me serious if I was running around looking like a damned savage."

"I hardly recognized him when I first saw him again last month," Pastor Deacon Fred told the congregation. "His skin is as white as a day-old slice of Wonder bread and he glows like a pure child of Christ. He just opened up his own church for business right out here in Chippewa country, and has unsaved folks who don't mind being associated with Injuns go out by the casinos and stuff flyers for his services into the jackpot trays of one armed bandits. He's leading savages to Christ each day, and has gathered a congregation of nearly fifteen former Injuns who have embraced Jesus in exchange for a slimmer nose and a glycolic peel." 

Pastor Deacon Fred had to calm members of the congregation who were concerned that an Injun would be speaking behind the pulpit on Thanksgiving Day. "There is no need for concern," said Pastor. "This man is no longer a Pilgrim killer, but we've taken security precautions just in case he has a relapse. He will be checked for tomahawks before he is allowed on the main campus and will be speaking from behind a safety cage, so hold on to your scalps!" he joked. "Seriously though, you all don't want to miss Chief Red Butt's testimony. It is a true American Thanksgiving story of God's power and patience with the stubborn heathens who still litter the countryside of His Christian nation.

Chief Red Butt will give his testimony during the 9 A.M. and 11 A.M. Thanksgiving services in Landover's main sanctuary this year.   To purchase tickets for church, click here.