Landover Baptist Church member, Mrs. Tawny Huxton, spent the past two years living in a 3-foot wrought-iron cage at the Landover Baptist Hospital for the Mentally Unstable or Otherwise Demon Possessed™. She was involuntarily committed after returning early from Bible study and walking in on her son Timmy. He was masturbating like there was no tomorrow while straddling a life-size Jar-Jar Binks doll in their rumpus room. Yesterday, Mrs. Huxton returned to her lovely Christian home fully restored, thanks to the diligent efforts of Creation Scientists at the hospital and five Sears™ Diehard car batteries they had used as part of her treatment. "I may have trouble with fly-away hair," Mrs. Huxton told friends upon her arrival, "but I am cured of whatever it was that they had me in there for in the first place. And it is nice to be home! Yes, indeedy! This is my home, isn't it? I love that wallpaper!"

She wasn't home for more than an hour though," reported sister-in-Christ, Judy O'Christian, "when she opened her son's bedroom door to find him sitting on the floor naked with one of his testicles painted green." Mrs. O'Christian told Pastor Deacon Fred that Tawny placed a call to her at 8 p.m. "She was hysterical," said Mrs. O'Christian. "Through choked sobs she told me that she had found Timmy playing with one of his testicles and whispering to it. When she got closer, she could see that it was painted bright green. And it was permanent paint that wouldn't come off when she licked it. After talking to her Baptist psychiatric doctor, I told her to stick her hand in the toaster until I got there."

Mrs. O'Christian then called the police immediately and young Timmy was taken to Pastor's den for closer observation. "You don't have to use your imagination to see what's going on here, folks," Pastor Deacon Fred told a hastily assembled group of deacons and a local florist who took a Christian interest after overhearing Mrs. O'Christian's call on his police scanner. "Young Timmy snuck out to see Disney's new 'so-called' children's movie, 'Monsters Incorporated.' No sooner did he get home that his sweet little trousers were dropped at his ankles and he was slapping green paint on his testicles." Pastor expressed concern that Hollywood has sunken to a new low. He explained that in light of recent national tragedies, people would think that those perverts at Disney would have something more constructive to do. "Any Christian person can see that the main character of this movie is a green testicle with one eye," he said. "It's disgusting, it's filth, and it makes me ashamed to call myself an American!"
 

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"That Jewish person, Billy Crystal, is called an actor even though he always plays the same person," Pastor Deacon Fred told local reporters. "Maybe he thought he'd get a best supporting award if he played half a green scrotum instead of a nebbish, Jewish wiseacre who always has a girlfriend who would never look twice at someone as ugly as him in real life."

Pastor continued his rebukes of Mr. Crystal before the congregation on Sunday morning: "You may be able to get a roomful of unsaved drunk Jews in the Catskills to laugh at your scrotum, Mr. Crystal, but Jesus isn't slapping His knee over this one! Unsaved people are so blinded by Satan, they think what you are doing is innocent, but the Holy Ghost allows True Christians to see what this blind world can never hope to see! It doesn't even amaze me anymore. Hollywood can put their sexually perverted liberal agenda right in front of our children. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of all those parents in the theater with their kids, just watching that green testicle dance around the screen, doing pratfalls by slipping on its own sperm, and think nothing of it."

Reports of similar tragedies are pouring in from True Christian® churches nationwide. "This seems to be an epidemic," said Pastor Deacon Fred, "and I point my finger in the face of the liberal Hollywood elites and homosexuals and I say, 'YOU caused this, you liberal bastards!'"
 

 

 

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