Local News

Freehold, Iowa - The Landover Conference of Deacons last week passed one of the most controversial resolutions of the church's 200-year history.  The organization has once again lessened restrictions on self-gratification.  All church members know that the controversy on this issue reached a new height last year when Landover lowered the allowable age of masturbation to 65 for recent widowers.  The church has revised that policy yet again.  "We really had no choice," noted a tired and distraught Pastor Deacon Fred during a news conference held shortly after the decision was reached.  "Last month, several middle-aged divorced men challenged the church policy.  They claimed that because they can never remarry (since to do so would constitute adultery-Matthew 5:32), and because they cannot have non-marital sex (since fornication ensures eternity in Hell-1 Corinthians 6:9-10), they should at least be allowed to defile their bodies as a consolation.  Needless to say, we put very little stock in the words of men who would put their wives away.  But they challenged us to find any Bible verse prohibiting masturbation.  After 72 hours of searching the Lord's Word, we came up empty-handed, if you'll pardon the expression.  We even consulted 17th century Bible scholar, Brother Harry Hardwick, but he, too, could find nothing prohibiting flesh-pulling.  Everyone knows that all Landover rules come straight from the Bible.  We don't ignore the parts we don't like, as the John 3:16 pseudo-Christians do, nor do we add to the Bible, like those Pope-loving Catholics."

The new policy is not without its limitations, however.  "While the Bible does not outlaw masturbation, it severely restricts the circumstances under which it may occur," noted Pastor Deacon Fred.  The first restriction is that no Landover gentleman will be permitted to reach the stage of ejaculation.  "The Bible is very clear that a man's seed is for copulation only," noted Pastor.  "In fact, the Bible says that when Onan chose not to copulate and instead released his seed on the ground, God was so angry that he struck Onan dead (Genesis 38:9-10).  The last thing we need is some media scandal as reporters click photos of colored janitors removing corpses from Landover restrooms."  Recognizing that a few men may err and sin by not stopping in time, the new policy requires all who decide to participate in the act to register with Pastor Deacon Fred.  Specially made Tupperware seed-containers will be signed out of his office by Mrs. Watkins who will be keeping a record to guard against overuse.  The sinner must catch his mistake in his numbered container before it reaches the ground.  All containers are to be returned to Mrs. Watkins within one hour of check-out.  The contents will be collected  each week in a larger vat and provided to Mary Lou's Christian Salon where it will be used to treat dry, scaly skin.

The second restriction is that no man will be permitted to have any sexual thoughts during the process.  "The apostles told us repeatedly that Jesus forbids lust, since sex is for baby-making, not anxiety release," continued Pastor.  "We are to 'abstain from fleshly lusts' (1 Peter 2:11) and 'flee also youthful lusts' (2 Timothy 2:22), for lust 'bringeth forth death' (James 1:15).  And more to the point for those debauched divorcees, Matthew told us that 'whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart' (Matthew 5:28).  This means that masturbation of an erect organ can occur only if the erection is naturally-induced, such as by the morning sun or an overfilled bladder." Pastor Deacon Fred then concluded, "The only way to masturbate without lust is to keep your mind on Christ at all times."

The new policy instantly drew the ire of countless Landover members.  Longstanding church member, Mrs. Judy O'Christian, was incensed.  Despite being a woman, Mrs. O'Christian was allowed to speak since the press conference was held outside the chapel.  "As co-chairs of the Ladies of Landover Welcoming Committee, Sister Taffy and I have to greet all new church members," she pleaded.  "This policy means we will have to destroy our silk gloves every time we shake hands with a male member . . . ah, church member, that is.  Halston doesn't sell accessories in six-packs, you know."

Pastor Deacon Fred attempted to assuage the ladies' concerns.  "This policy will in no way open the floodgates, so to speak.  Punishment for violations of the new restrictions will be swift and certain.  The Bible says that if a part of our body offends us, we must cut it off (Matthew 5:29-30).  Any man found to have engaged in sexual thoughts during the process, or to have reached full fruition without capturing the full emission, will have his organ severed and his preferred hand amputated.  And every man will know that when that happens, his destiny is Hell, for as God told us: "He that is wounded in the stones or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord"  (Deuteronomy 23:1).  Rest assured, God takes no stock in the Satanic adage: "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.".