A. Pole vaulting. So He could catapult Himself off this hopeless Hellhole and back   
        into Eden.
B. Kayaking. After all, if He were losing, He could just take a sprint across the
        water.
C. Wrestling. But He’s not very good at it. After all, He lost to one of the world’s first
        Jews.
D. Gymnastics. He would win merely on the bonus points for His flawless iron cross.

2. Come Judgment Day, how will Jesus show off his acrobatic prowess?

A. He will perform leaps and bounds to try to save as many people as possible from
        eternal damnation.
B. While sporting flaming eyes, He will balance multiple crowns on his head, blood-
        soaked clothes on his torso and a sword sticking out of His mouth.
C. He will stabilize hundreds of infants under each arm while allowing many helpless
        elderly people to leap onto His back as He rescues them from oblivion.
D. He will walk over dead bodies while chewing gum and displaying what appears to
        be concern before TV cameras, much like our godly President.

3. What childlike prank did God decide to play during his brief period with Adam and Eve?

A. Talking to Himself (as though He needed to hear Himself say something
        important – LOL!).
B. Hide-and-go-seek, with the mortals being the hiders and He being the seeker
        (who supposedly didn’t know where they were -- LOL!).
C. Feigning ignorance -- acting as though He didn’t know what happened with the
        snake (even though He’s omnipotent and knows everything – LOL!).
D. All of the above.

4. We all know God’s killing can start with the drop of a hat. What was his bizarre rationale for killing every man, woman, child and unborn infant (except drunkard, Noah, and his clan) with the Great Flood?

A. God violently slaughtered everyone on the planet because the planet was filled
        with violence.
B. God annihilated everyone because the human imagination is evil, but then
        promised not to do it again because the human imagination is evil.
C. A and B.
D. None of the above.

5. To say God has a tendency to be paranoid is, of course, to state the obvious. What part of the Tower of Babel incident suggests God may have been in dire need of antipsychotic medication?

A. The fact that God, once again, talked to Himself (or, worse yet, believed He was
        more than one being – long before He facilitated His Son’s murder and
        subsequent resurrection).
B. The fact that God feared the people’s efforts to build a tower to reach Heaven.
C. The fact that God feared people sharing a language (not to mention God’s
        perverse commitment to scatter the people to prevent them from being all that
        they could be).
D. All of the above.

6. For some strange reason, God will feel compelled to have two witnesses with Him, come Judgment Day. Which of the following statements about those two witnesses is true?

A. God will make the witnesses two olive trees and two candlesticks (and you 
        should be far more concerned about trees and candelabra seeing things than the
        fact that their numbers actually add up to four).
B. God will give them the power to stop the rain, turn water into blood, generate
        plagues -- and all, as often as they want.
C. When they finish testifying and God doesn’t need them any more, God will let the
        devil make war against them and kill them (much like the elder Bush did with the
        Kurds).
D. All of the above.

7. When God got really mad at Egypt’s leader, he decided to use Moses and Aaron to torture the country’s innocent civilians with magic tricks, to show the pharaoh He was God. Unfortunately, the pharaoh’s magicians knew most of the same tricks. Which of God’s acts of magic finally did the trick, as the David Copperfields of the time were unable to match it.

A. Creating lice in men and beasts.
B. Throwing a rod on the ground so that it turns into a serpeant.
C. Turning rivers into blood.
D. Covering the land with frogs.

8. We all know that God ordered Ezekiel to make his bread with human dung (Ezekiel 4:12), but ultimately relented and allowed him to use cow patties instead (Ezekiel 4:15). What other little holy practical jokes did God play on Ezekiel?

A. He made Ezekiel sleep on his right side for 390 days (but his left side for only 40
        days), long before the advent of Ambien.
B. He made Ezekiel shave his head and beard, divide the hair into thirds, burn a
        third, smite a third with a knife and scatter a third to the wind.
C. He made Ezekiel slap his hands and stomp his feet while proclaiming that the
        Israelites shall die in a variety of ways.
D. All of the above.

9. When God gets angry, He can be compared to one of those fire-breathers in the circus. How?

A. He breathed fire out of His nose and smoke out of His mouth.
B. He breathed fire out of His mouth and smoke out of His nose.
C. He breathed fire and smoke out of both His nose and mouth, but not to a degree
        that could burn anything.
D. All of the above.

10. Ignoring all of above, God is really just a big old pussycat. Well, cat anyway. More like a lion. What do God and a lion have in common?

A. Roaring.
B. Ripping people to bloody shreds.
C. Devouring humans slowly, savoring every bite.
D. All of the above.