Quiz Answers:

1.  If God were here today, what sport would be his indulgence?

Correct Answer: C (Wrestling. But He’s not very good at it. After all, He lost to one of the world’s first Jews.) “And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him. And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob. And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed. And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there (Genesis 32:24-29).

2.  Come Judgment Day, how will Jesus show off his acrobatic prowess?

Correct Answer B (While sporting flaming eyes, He will balance multiple crowns on his head, blood-soaked clothes on his torso and a sword sticking out of His mouth.) “His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood, and his name is called The Word of God. And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean. And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God” (Revelation 19:12-15).

3.  What childlike prank did God decide to play during his brief period with Adam and Eve?

Correct Answer: D (All of the above.) “And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?” (Genesis 3:8-9).

4.  We all know God’s killing can start with the drop of a hat. What was his bizarre rationale for killing every man, woman, child and unborn infant (except drunkard, Noah, and his clan) with the Great Flood?

Correct Answer: C (A and B.) “The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence…And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth” (Genesis 6:11-13). “And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually…And the Lord said, I will destroy man (Genesis 6:5-7). “And the Lord smelled a sweet savour; and the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every living thing, as I have done” (Genesis 8:21).

5.  To say God has a tendency to be paranoid is, of course, to state the obvious. What part of the Tower of Babel incident suggests God may have been in dire need of antipsychotic medication?

Correct Answer: D (All of the above.) “And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded. And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech. So the Lord scattered them abroad” (Genesis 11:4-8).

6.  For some strange reason, God will feel compelled to have two witnesses with Him, come Judgment Day. Which of the following statements about those two witnesses is true?

Correct Answer: D (All of the above.) “And I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and threescore days, clothed in sackcloth. These are the two olive trees, and the two candlesticks standing before the God of the earth. And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their mouth, and devoureth their enemies: and if any man will hurt them, he must in this manner be killed. These have power to shut heaven, that it rain not in the days of their prophecy: and have power over waters to turn them to blood, and to smite the earth with all plagues, as often as they will. And when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit shall make war against them, and shall overcome them, and kill them” (Revelation 11:3-7).

7.  When God got really mad at Egypt’s leader, he decided to use Moses and Aaron to torture the country’s innocent civilians with magic tricks, to show the pharaoh He was God. Unfortunately, the pharaoh’s magicians knew most of the same tricks. Which of God’s acts of magic finally did the trick, as the David Copperfields of the time were unable to match it.

Correct Answer: A (Creating lice in men and beasts.) “Thou shalt say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and cast it before Pharaoh, and it shall become a serpent…and Aaron cast down his rod…and it became a serpent. Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments” (Exodus 7:9-11). “And the Lord spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and stretch out thine hand upon the waters of Egypt…upon their rivers…that they may become blood; and that there may be blood throughout all the land of Egypt…And Moses and Aaron did so…And the fish that was in the river died; and the river stank, and the Egyptians could not drink of the water of the river…And the magicians of Egypt did so with their enchantments” (Exodus 7:19-22). And the Lord spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch forth thine hand with thy rod over the streams…and cause frogs to come up upon the land of Egypt. And Aaron stretched out his hand over the waters of Egypt; and the frogs came up, and covered the land of Egypt. And the magicians did so with their enchantments, and brought up frogs upon the land of Egypt” (Exodus 8:5-7). “And the Lord said unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch out thy rod, and smite the dust of the land, that it may become lice throughout all the land of Egypt. And they did so; for Aaron stretched out his hand with his rod, and smote the dust of the earth, and it became lice in man, and in beast; all the dust of the land became lice throughout all the land of Egypt. And the magicians did so with their enchantments to bring forth lice, but they could not: so there were lice upon man, and upon beast. Then the magicians said unto Pharaoh, This is the finger of God” (Exodus 8:16-19).

8.  We all know that God ordered Ezekiel to make his bread with human dung (Ezekiel 4:12), but ultimately relented and allowed him to use cow patties instead (Ezekiel 4:15). What other little holy practical jokes did God play on Ezekiel?

Correct Answer: D (All of the above.) “Lie thou also upon they left side…three hundred and ninety days…And when thou hast accomplished them, lie again on thy right side, and thou shalt bear the iniquity of the house of Judah forty days…thou shalt not turn thee from one side to another, till thou hast ended the days” (Ezekiel 4:4-8). “And thou, son of man, take thee a sharp knife, take thee a barber’s razor, and cause it to pass upon thine head and upon thy beard: then take thee balances to weigh, and divide the hair. Thou shalt burn with fire a third part…and thou shalt take a third part, and smite about it with a knife: and a third part thou shalt scatter in the wind” (Ezekiel 5:1-3). Thus saith the Lord God; Smite with thine hand, and stamp with thy foot, and say, Alas for all the evil abominations of the house of Israel! for they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the pestilence” (Ezekiel 6:11).

9.  When God gets angry, He can be compared to one of those fire-breathers in the circus. How?

Correct Answer: B (He breathed fire out of His mouth and smoke out of His nose.) “In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations also of the hills moved and were shaken, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it” (Psalms 18:6-8)

10.  Ignoring all of above, God is really just a big old pussycat. Well, cat anyway. More like a lion. What do God and a lion have in common?

Correct Answer: D (All of the above.) “They shall walk after the Lord: he shall roar like a lion: when he shall roar, then the children shall tremble from the west” (Hosea 11:10). Therefore I will be unto them as a lion: as a leopard by the way will I observe them: I will meet them as a bear that is bereaved of her whelps, and will rend the caul of their heart, and there will I devour them like a lion: the wild beast shall tear them” (Hosea 13:7-8).