Jonah & Pirates: Veggie Tales Movies - Packaging the Bible as Sugar-Coated Fiction?

Freehold, Iowa -  Last weekend, Pastor Deacon Fred issued a thundering rebuke to the makers of the film, Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie. "The Lord told us a very straightforward, factual account of a human that moves into a whale for three days and then finds suitable accommodations elsewhere," he said.  "And what have sick, secular humanists done?  Well, I'll tell you!  They have turned this realistic recounting into something silly and completely unbelievable by claiming that Jonah was a cucumber!  Do they take Christians for fools?  Do they think that we would possibly believe the nonsense that a cucumber could live in a whale's stomach for THREE DAYS without being digested?  It is insulting to our intelligence as Christians and I, for one, resent it!  Are we the only church left in this devil-run world with a lick of common sense? Am I the only pastor in America who can see that Satan has his right hoof planted firmly in the board room of the Veggie Tales Corporation?"

"It's one thing to mock God's word by making Jesus out to look like a head of lettuce – like that Justine Guarini woman on "American Idol" – and turning the Holy Spirit into flying crudités " Pastor continued. "But I'm putting my foot down when these phony-baloney, money-grubbing, fake Christians start to rewrite Scripture!" 

Most Truly Saved® Christians are already aware of what Satan and the Veggie Tales Corporation are up to with their new film, Jonah. "It's not just about the talking green penis shaped like a cucumber filling in for the Old Testament prophet," says Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "They are slapping the face of Christ with that edible phallus!  As a Creation Scientist, I find it particularly disturbing that they suggesting that any vegetable could  survive for three days inside the belly of a whale!  Any Christian child would know that that cucumber would be whale-poop by the second day.  So, they are insulting the intelligence of children everywhere – and at the same time, depriving them of the Lord's inerrant Word.  None of these children who see this silly film will know about the HUMAN who lived in a whale for three days.  And that's sad.  The producers of this film make the Bible out to be a joke by catering to secular humanists who are afraid that True Christian® children will take God at His word, jump into an aquarium at Sea World, and get swallowed by Shampoo the killer whale in order to strengthen their walk with Christ! What a testimony that would be! To pull the blessed body of a live Christian child from the belly of a whale! Oh! That would ruin their agenda, wouldn't it? They would never want the world to see something like that! They don't want you to try it either! So in the name of so-called "child safety laws," we are forced to see a cucumber instead of a human being in this film! Shame on you, Veggie Tales! SHAME!"

Pastor Deacon Fred was quick to re-emphasize the strong sexual content of the film. "As Dr. Edwards stated, we know the movie is trying to butter over the seriousness of true Bible facts, but we still need to realize that Satan is all over the playing field on this one, folks. Your average person on the street is so blinded by the Devil these days, they won't notice that the image of a cucumber resting in the soft cushiony pink belly of a whale is an obvious reference to a tiny, little male penis inside of an obscenely large female vagina. It takes the mind of Christ to see something like that! It is shocking that militant lesbians are now recruiting innocent vegetables to spread their propaganda that a male can never truly satisfy a female!  Satan is getting very tricky, folks! Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes. He's always trying to find a way to turn our children into sex maniacs, and you need to be vigilant and on high alert, because the Devil's got packs of wild demons running around loose everywhere in this world!"

Pastor Deacon Fred is so personally disgusted by what the Veggie Tales Corporation is doing with their new movie, that he has asked his brother-in-Christ, John Ashcroft, to investigate the so-called "personal" lives of all of the people connected with the blasphemous movie. "Turnabout is fair play," announced Pastor.  "If these wicked folks want to scrutinize the Lord, then we can scrutinize them and their children!  And, I'm telling you, when we reveal to the whole world the shocking things we find out  – we ain't going to be using a salad to tell the story!"   

 

 

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