Is DC Sniper Working for Jesus?

Freehold, Iowa-  Most experts agree that the recent shootings in and around the Washington DC area are the work of a deranged lunatic. But Baptists, who are more familiar with the ways of the Lord than unsaved police profilers, disagree. "We believe that the killer was probably associated with a conservative Christian church at one time in his life," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "How else would he know how to shoot a gun so well? Some wagging tongues have claimed that he can't still be a Christian if he is killing folks, but they need to put down their Washington Post and pick up a Bible. The Lord is always full of fresh ideas about who to kill next!"

YOUNG CHILDREN:  The Old Testament teaches us that the Lord has a weakness for killing the young. Whether it is drowning little babies in the Great Flood because their parents said something that rubbed Him the wrong way, sending bears to maul kiddies to death for making a light-hearted joke about a bald man (II Kings 2:23-24) or hacking them to pieces and aborting them from their pregnant mothers because she happens to worship the wrong god (Hosea 13:16), the Lord clearly requires little provocation to kill children.

RUBBERNECKERS:  God showed his displeasure with people who gawk at calamities happening to others by turning Lot's wife into a condiment when she looked back to see all her friends dying in metropolitan Sodom. (Genesis 19:26) Therefore, it is very important that if you think that Jesus' triggerman has just shot the driver in the lane you are passing, that you not look at the car that is now swerving wildly into on-coming traffic, as your curiosity will probably be answered with another bullet in your head from the Lord's sniper.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T PAY FULL COMMISSION ON REAL ESTATE:  The Lord is known to kill instantly people who sell property and don't give Him all the money made from the sale. (Acts 5:1-10) An advisory is being sent to all licensed Realtors in Maryland to get a full accounting of all sales to be converted into tithes -- or get their commission from their soon-to-be-dead clients up-front.

WOMEN WHO ARE RAPED:  The Lord Jesus has asked that all engaged virgins who are raped in the city be killed. (Deuteronomy 22:24)  If, however, they are not engaged, then the Lord is willing to look the other way if some money changes hands.

SABBATH BREAKERS:  The Lord has made it clear that He wants all people who don't spend the entire day of Sunday flattering Him to die. (Exodus 31:14) The police are warning that everyone who visits a local mall on Sunday is just asking to be picked off by the Lord.

Police officers revealed last week that the killer left a calling card, which implied that he was doing the work of the Lord. A Landover Baptist officer commented, "He must be a little confused, if he is in fact, a Christian. Every red-blooded American Baptist knows that while man is called upon to stone a sinner here and there, running around killing a whole bunch of folks is the Lord's business (Unless, the Lord has promised you a bunch of towns, like He did to the Israelites when they came out of the desert. In that case, you can slaughter all the men, women and children in each town with gusto and impunity!). You see, God is the expert on wholesale slaughter and this sniper could never duplicate the pure terror and panic, that God unleashes upon people who needle Him." 

"We know that this sniper is concerned about God," said Landover Baptist Youth Director, Geoffrey Weaver. "The note left at the crime scene that said, I am God, might just be his way of letting everyone know that Jesus lives inside of him. It could be a clue to inquire at local churches as to the identity of the killer."  True Christian® leaders suggest that Jesus might be speaking through the sniper, guiding his hand to remind the world that God exists. "Jesus often speaks through His people," Rev. Jerry Falwell says. "He sometimes directs His people to shoot up abortion clinics and beat up vile homosexuals and liberals, to give them a taste of the fires of Hell right here on Earth. Jesus is about love, but usually it's tough-love that involves a lot of killing." 

NRA spokesman and Ronald Reagan playmate Charlton Heston opined: "The problem is not with the sniper, but with the folks without weapons he is picking off! If everyone in this country were a sniper, we wouldn't have such easy targets running around. It is not the fault of a gun that some folks are too stupid to duck when they hear one fire!"

Pastor Deacon Fred, and thousands of other True Christians® around the country are focusing on prayer, not for the victims of these recent attacks, but for the killer himself. "The victims already have too many folks praying for them," said Pastor. "Besides, if this killer really is acting on the Lord's behalf, praying for the victims might be construed by God as second-guessing His decision to kill them in the first place.  And, frankly, I don't want to be rubbing the irritable Lord Jesus the wrong way if He has a hitman running around!"

Some people are shocked at the Christian belief that no matter how terrible a person was, they get a free ticket to Heaven if they confess Christ as their savior at the last minute. But Pastor Deacon Fred explains, "Through Christ Jesus and His infinite love and mercy, all things are possible. Besides, if this guy is a saved crazy person out there killing for Jesus, then he is guaranteed a seat at the celebration in Glory.  And even if he is an unsaved crazy person, we are praying that he will come to know Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. It probably won't stop the killing, but it will guarantee that the shooter will be reunited with some of his victims in heaven," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "It's hard for some folks to understand why God would send a little unsaved child who was shot, straight to Hell, and send his killer to Heaven, but it all makes sense to Jesus, and it's in the Bible, so we ought not question it.  But the best example I always use to explain it to folks is that if Hitler accepted the Lord Jesus as his Savior moments before dying, then he will be in Heaven, whereas all the Jews he killed definitely won't be in Heaven because they rejected Jesus.  See? It all makes sense when you think about it!  

 

 

 

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