In a three hour sermon last Sunday, Rev. Ebeneezer Smith related the facts about Hell.  He explained that some of the most densely populated regions of the world have gone though 10 generations without hearing the Gospel. "Imagine spending forever surrounded by 10 generations of Chinese folks, screamin' and yappin' that monkey talk while you are roasting there in Hell. . .if that doesn't add to your desire to avoid Hell, I don't know what will." 

Landover Baptist Christian Scientists have completed exhaustive experiments relating to a flame's reaction to curry and MSG (monosodium glutamate).  What they found was enough to shock Pastor Smith so much that he had to relate it to the members of the congregation. "When fire is mixed with curry, our scientists found that the heat intensifies 10-fold," he related. "When MSG is introduced, the flames leap up to 20 times their normal size. Hell is getting hotter, folks. And you'd better thank God that you are a saved, blood-bought, Christian American.

Most Landover Baptist members, like most Christian Americans, have had the luxury of hearing the gospel every Sunday for their entire lives. We have been called to do so. Even though the United States makes up just short of 5% of the world's entire population, God has called 99% of us to be Christian businessmen, athletes, telecommunications professionals, lawyers, and pastors. It's not our fault that those third world people are going to Hell. God doesn't call us to learn other languages in order to win souls in some demon-run foreign country. He needs us here, at home with our families and loved ones. Witnessing to them, again and again and again, until they finally accept Jesus Christ, just to get us to shut up! But praise God! Another American will enter Glory! 87-year-old church member,  Ida Alexander, claims to have had the gospel of Jesus Christ presented to her 1,548,367 times.  "If I could somehow send some of the times I heard the gospel overseas to them Chinese folks, I would," she related.  "Early on in my life, I thought I was called to be a missionary. But I was wrong. The Lord called me to be the housewife of a no good, two timing moonshiner with a devil's temper! God taught me patience through the hard years.  He has a reason for everything he leads us to do with our lives. It is not our place to question why he calls most of us to live and work and raise a family in this beautiful country while 10,000 Chinese and Injun folks die and go to Hell every day. God has a great calling for American Christians. It can be summed up in two words. STAY PUT."

Commenting on the Bible based reality that Hell's population will be made up of mostly Chinese and Injun, Pastor Ebeneezer Smith made the following statement, "Mark my words. God has made it simple for American Christians. There is a reason that folks are called 'foreigners.' They have been destined to be alienated from Glory! Why else would God be calling us all to 'stay put?' I believe, as most of you probably do, that he wants to spare us from living out eternity in the company of MSG-sweating, curry-eating, 'wouldn't care about Christ if you told me,' HEATHENS! And you listen here, any hellbound sinners out there.... while demons make Spaghetti lunch out of your intestines, your screams will reach such a pitch that your eardrums will pop right out of your head!   Consider that a blessing. Without your eardrums, you won't have to listen to all them Chinese yappin' an yelpin' when demons are busy chewing their legs off.

American Christian researchers estimate that within the next 50 years, Hell will welcome at least one billion Chinese and nearly that many Injuns.

 

 

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