Midget Digested by Whale in Bible Re-Enactment
FREEHOLD IA: Last week, tragedy befell Napoleon Thumb, a recent Landover convert and participant in Sister Taffy's Dystrophic Dwarf Ministry. In his newfound Christian zeal, Thumb attempted to prove the Bible true by re-enacting one of its most controversial stories: Jonah and the whale. Thumb was placed in the whale tank at Landover Zoo last Thursday in hopes of being swallowed for three days and testifying about his experience at Sunday services. When Thumb hadn't been swallowed after eight hours, zoo keepers discovered that all of Landover's whales were apparently demon-infested since their mouths and throats were measured at just a few inches. At Thumb's request, Dr. Jonathan Edwards then surgically implanted him in the whale's belly. Dr. Edwards realized the experiment may have gone awry when the whale excreted a skeleton with a large skull attached to some very tiny bones. The whale was immediately cut open but all Dr. Edwards discovered was a leather band with metal studs that could easily fit around a lady's pinky
 

Christian Youth Reports Parents
Christian Youth member Jimmy Lloyd turned his heretical parents in to the Landover Subcommittee for Unchristian Activities yesterday. Eight-year-old Jimmy received a $500 referral fee for alerting church officials after his parents told him that God’s holy scripture regarding the creation of Adam and Eve “is not literally true, but simply a parable written to teach greater truths.” Jimmy has been placed in foster care pending the outcome of the full investigation of his parent’s blasphemous views, which could lead to their expulsion from the church and the loss of their home at Leviticus Acres.
 

Get Your Feet Hot For Jesus!
Two parents were hospitalized after a scuffle following last Sunday’s “Get Your Feet Hot For Jesus” altar call. As has become tradition, over 20 youngsters rushed to the front of the church at the end of Sunday’s 9 o’clock service to witness for Jesus. Tiffany Holmes, 13, was awarded $1,500 for giving the “Most Original Testimony” and Luke Wade, 11, was given a whack on the backside for giving the “Most Unoriginal Testimony.” Immediately after the prizes were given, Luke became overcome with demons and started bellowing in an unchristian manner. Mrs. Wade then climbed over her pew and physically attacked Mrs. Holmes, claiming that Tiffany had stolen all the good parts of Luke’s testimony. Both women are listed in satisfactory condition at Landover Baptist Hospital.