Since before the Scopes trial, Satan has been trying to trick gullible humans into thinking their great-great-great-great-great-great granddaddy was a hairy, unsaved baboon.  The Devil’s insulting story was aided and abetted by secular scientists who were all too eager, knowing that man was created in God’s image, to make the Lord out to look like a damned monkey.  But Landover Baptist scientists, with a generous grant from the Concerned Women for Traditional Values Family Research Coalition Foundation, have now ripped the lid off Lucifer’s little anthropological freak show. 

Relying on a hunch inspired by the Holy Spirit, Landover Creation-Paleontologists have conclusively determined that American Christians, godsimage christianus americanus, are exactly as God created them 6,000 years ago, when He created the universe in six days. Other breeds of lesser hominids, which pass themselves off as decedants of Adam, however, actually have a few apes swinging from their family trees.

“As True Christians have long suspected,” said Dr. Neiman at a press conference, “homosexuals are clearly sub-humans. They are descended from homo erectus (named for their disgusting, perverted behavior and because of their pornographic tumescence in the face of their perversion) and were molesting orangutans from the sixth day of Creation up until around the sinking of the Lusitania. They are a prime example of what we Christians like to call unnatural selection.” 

Appearing on the highly regarded news program, 700 Club Tuesday, Dr. Neiman told Brother Pat Robertson: “The Apostle Paul was very clear that women are a bunch of trouble-makers who ought best keep their little mouths shut. 1 Timothy 2:11-14.  As you know, Lucifer loves telling lies to help the feminazis.  And the little ladies don’t like to take responsibility for all of the people Eve pushed down the primrose pathway to Hell. So they started pointing fingers at those sweet little monkeys. You see, if they could prove that evolution happened to Christians, there was no Eve to blame. I’m sure the Lord wanted to all but spit in their faces when He heard that one! But I am here to tell you that so-called ‘evolution’ did occur, but not to Eve or any of those hellions she raised.”

"You know, the funny part," Dr. Robertson chimed in, "is how the evil evolutionists can't answer the basic questions such as, 'if evolution is true, why are there still monkeys? I mean, except for the other kind. It's just godlessness run amuck. These evolutionists are blinded by their sin. I want to ask all our viewers to join me now in a silent imprecatory prayer against them." 

Using three-color flow charts, Dr. Neiman then revealed his findings: “God created human beings separate from primates. There are different kinds of hominids, just like there are different kinds of mustard. There are small primates called chimpanzees.  They are the cute little fellows who live in trees, like the one in that movie our greatest President, Ronald Reagan, starred in --  “Bedtime for Bonzo.” Now that was a movie, and God bless that man. There are large primates that live on the jungle floor and scare missionaries, who, being Christians, are armed against them. They are called gorillas. There are even primates that play basketball, rob liquor stores, organize marches and make some attempt at imitating human speech. They are called Negroes.  Regrettably, if there is such a thing a “natural selection,” most of them have selected to be naturally lazy.  They are living examples of the Lord’s unfinished business because these more primitive hominids are still evolving.” 

“Well, obviously,” chimed in a compassionate Pat Robertson, “and I wish them all Godspeed. But the very last thing we need is more liberal Democrats wanting to hand the country over to them.” 

Landover Baptist researchers’ breakthrough came very serendipitously. “We had just finished a charming prayer-dinner when one of the scientist’s wives asked permission to speak.  She then asked, ‘How in the world do you think Lena Horne got so darn white looking? Is it is genetic?’ The scientists present had no ready explanation for the singer’s surprisingly Caucasian-like complexion and elocution. The next week, they decided to solve this scientific mystery by tracing Mrs. Horne’s DNA.  After an initial setback, when it was discovered that the hair sample that had led the researchers to a remote village in Korea had actually come from one of the singer’s wigs, the Baptist Scientists found themselves on a hillside in Syria. 

In Syria, Baptist Creation Scientists began noting that the hominid remains were surrounded by fossilized watermelon seeds and chicken bones. “This is a standard marker that indicates that the paleontological remains are most likely that of colored bipeds,” noted Dr. Neiman. “But whereas the chicken bones we had found near the australopithecine remains on our Sub-Saharan digs tended to be from pieces of necks and wings, the fossil record in Syria was pointing more towards the more expensive breast meat.  Clearly, we were dealing with a more advanced and sophisticated strain of hominid, which we labeled homo lena hornus. We felt confident that the Lord had led us to Lena’s kin. Also, the extra foot-bone that Negroes are known to have was noticeably absent.”

The Creation Science Laboratory released a statement to the 152,000 members of Landover Baptist Church following the release of Dr. Neiman’s conclusive findings. That statement mentioned that the REAL issue facing Bible-believing Christians today is the hard question of "primate salvation." “God has forced us to share with these crude creatures in this life,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “The big question is, do we want them in the next?” Some church members expressed a tepid inclination to see if the homo lena hornus strain of hominids could be saved.

Said the widow Mrs. Franswilling, “We gave Pastor $1,200 to get our Scottish Terrier, Lucy, to accept Jesus so she could join us in Heaven, so I don’t see why some of the better-behaved coloreds couldn’t be saved, too.  They just need to know that there is no place for that uppity attitude of theirs in the hereafter.  I can’t image God putting up with that for a second.  I know I wouldn’t.”