|
|
July 2000
Bible Miracle On Church Field Trip Leaves Six Children Dead
FREEHOLD IA: Several Landover youths remain
in serious condition after what they thought were "harmless taunts" led to a close encounter with
Holy Scripture. Deacon Glen Mitchell suffered the indignity of children laughing at his baldness
on a recent trip to the Landover Baptist Zoo. He then pointed out some Bible passages
from 2nd Kings that
convinced the zoo keeper to release the children, unsupervised, into the polar bear exhibit during the bears' feeding time.
"Deacon Mitchell didn't have a choice," remarked Pastor Smith. "He was doing what the Bible commanded him to do.
This miracle was in God's hands the whole time."
Happy 6,000th
Birthday, Planet Earth!
A 244 foot Angel Food cake with
6,000 gold candles will showcase the Creation Day 2000 celebration. Real
Christians from around the world are expected to pack the Landover campus
by July 21st. God willing, event organizers say they are going to cram
the last 6,000 years into a fun filled 12 hours of songs, hellfire, sermons,
plays, floods (bring a raincoat because you will get wet) a religious dwarf
quartet, and an amazing air show at sunset with the world-famous "Skydiving
Savior" from 6,000 feet. Join us! Reservations are available through
AOL keyword: "Creation Day."
Landover
University To Begin Accepting Students From Even Low Income Families
The educational needs of every Christian
in Freehold, Iowa are important. It doesn't matter if the family is scraping
by on $250K per household or living comfortably on $3.5Million! Even the
poorest among the saved have a right to learn about their planet's 6,000-year
history, but Christians are persecuted at low-priced secular colleges!
That is exactly why we started our new Foundation for Christian Education:
Low-Income Educational Services. To qualify, families must be near the
poverty range for the Freehold area. The total income must not be less
than $251K per household. Qualified participants must submit to a battery
of physical examinations. Written proof of full immersion Baptism is also
a prerequisite. Sprinkled deceivers will be turned away.
Procter
& Gamble Shows It's True Colors: Satan Red!
After years of hoodwinking Godly
ministers into telling their flocks that so-called "rumors" of P&G's
partnership with Satan were false, the company recently proved its allegiance
to the Prince of Darkness beyond a shadow of a doubt: they stopped advertising
on Dr. Laura Schlessinger's show.
True Christians are rightfully outraged
by the move. Many refusing now to use soaps and toothpaste "While we wouldn't
let that harlot jewess, Dr. Laura, anywhere near our Godly church, folks
like Dr. Laura and John Rocker have the moral backbone to call a homo a
homo!" Pastor Deacon Fred said. "And what do the so-called politically
correct pansies who run the liberal media and corporate America do? They
try to silence them! Well I stand before you to put Procter & Gamble
on notice that the Tide is turning my friend! Praise God!"
Copyright
2000, Americhrist Ltd.
All rights reserved. Terms
of Service |