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  Church members
are still baffled by a macabre discovery made on Sunday morning in the
nursery school playground. Preschoolers, Sarah Wilkins and Benjamin Tilly
happened upon the ghastly scene on their way to the swing-set at 7 am.
What appeared to be a man, burnt alive and crisped to a cinder was brought
to the attention of preschool Sunday school teacher Mrs. Alice Gilbert.
After she recovered from her initial shock, Alice ran screaming through
the Sanctuary just as services were getting underway. Hundreds of church
members crowded the playground to feed their morbid fascination. It wasn't
until Dr. Jonathan Edwards arrived on the scene that any opinions
were generated on what could have caused such a horrifying spectacle.
"As of now, the man is unidentified." Dr. Edwards told two FBI investigators that arrived on the scene late Sunday evening. "It is clear that the man, did not know what hit him," he went on to say. "He was either a young seminary student who was trying to imitate HR Stone's Hellfire demonstration, or a kiddy loving pervert who wandered onto our Church campus in search of the sweet devil driven comfort of a child's affection. Whatever the case, the end result, when closely observed, is enough to turn your stomach, and send a small trickle of perspiration ever so slowly down to the small of your back!" HR Stone preached a sermon on Hell only two months ago that culminated in a self induced spontaneous combustion. He was rushed to the hospital, and is still in serious condition. Landover Baptist Seminary students have often tried to imitate experienced men of God, prematurely. This accident could have been the result of such an attempt. Dr. Edwards' comments on a pervert somehow finding his way onto the Landover Campus, are unfounded. With 14 guard huts, 127 security guards, and an elaborate network of surveillance equipment, this seems an impossibility. Dr. Edwards mentioned that God might have struck down this sinner in his moment of Hell induced lust over the 700+ preschoolers that made the playground their safe haven each Sunday morning. The charred remains have been given over to the FBI. Dr. Edwards accompanied
the two agents to Washington DC, where they will perform an autopsy to
discover the age of the man. They will also look at dental records to determine
the man's identity. Meanwhile, we have two traumatized preschoolers, and
a Preschool teacher that can't sleep at night. If anyone at our church
has information that would give the FBI, or Landover Baptist Church Elders
a lead on this gruesome finding, you are being urged at this time to come
forward. If you do not come forward, and it is found at a later time that
you knew something about this, you will be severely punished.
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