Is
My Child The Devil's Son?
A
Checklist for Christian Mothers
1. Ladies,
keep your legs crossed until after midnight.
A True Christian™ lady always keeps her knees
together -- and June 6 is no time to stop.
As your demon child willfully pushes and kicks,
causing your lady hole to dilate to the size of a drainage
pipe, keep your knees locked together at all times. This
will give your demanding child a wonderful, early lesson
that he can't always have his way.
To underscore this valuable disciplinary message,
as the devil child flops around, trying to claw its way
out to the human world to do Lucifer's bidding, continue
to warble in a loud voice, "La la la la la la la I
CAN'T FEEL YOU!"
2.
If at all possible, have your Baptist doctor induce
the child to be born earlier.
The most reliable method known to Creation Science
to get a mother to go instantly into labor is to jump in
front of her when she least expects it and scare the
dickens out of her. If
this doesn't prove scary enough, read the Bible to her.
Otherwise, FedEx a love processing gift of $2,000
to "
Landover
Baptist
Church
, Freehold,
Iowa
55369." As
soon as your check clears, we will send you information on
how to perform a "Creation Birth Reduction."
Reduction will cause the mother to give birth two or three
days out from her expected due date. If you have a weak
stomach, allergies to dried locusts and can not drink
human urine, the Reduction is not for you.
3. If the
06-06-06 date can not be avoided, make sure that the child
is kept in a chicken cage on the hospital floor, and that
there are at least two full grown hogs within four feet of
the cage at all times. As a Bible believing Christian, you
know that demons
and pigs act like the two sides of Velcro when they are
around each other (Mark 5:12-13), so keeping them by
your newborn's side acts as a Godly safety net. If one of
the hogs starts grinning and snorting, prancing
about, or just plain acting full of the Devil's business
by emptying its bowels all over the hospital floor, get it
out to a lake and drown it as soon as humanly possible.
And you don't have to be a Christ-killing Jew to
know this: Goodness gracious, don't eat the bacon!
4. Make
sure you check under your child's testicles for any
peculiar markings. For it is not upon the head (as the
hell bound Catholics incorrectly believe and, by all other
indications, should be the last ones to be wrong in this
regard), but rather hidden in the rough skin on the nape
under a newborn's tiny tallywhacker, or slightly inside
the anal cavity that one should be looking for any signs
of the Evil One. Creation
Scientists have observed that the so-called
"taint" (the disagreeable area between the
genitals and the anus) is where demons are most likely to
post messages for each other.
5. Place
your child in the care of our Creation Scientists for a
period of 10-days. During this period, they will perform a
Bible
Crawl and conduct Creation
Science Experiments on your newborn to determine if it
needs to be shipped off the Landover
Baptist Home for the Demonically Possessed in North Dakota.
The shipping charges and five years of care costs will be
billed monthly to the same credit card account you use
when you drop your child off with us.
6. You
might decide (as many Christian families in need have
before you) that it is best just to sell
your child to the cause of Creation Science. Our
laboratory and research center will pay $18 a pound (17
cents a pound for mixed race infants) for any child under
the age of 6-months. In making this decision, you can rest
assured that you are doing something for the cause of
Christendom™. Your family will be helping Creation
Scientists better understand Satan's handiwork in early
childhood development. This greater understanding will
better prepare us in case (God forbid we'd have to suffer)
there is a post-tribulational Rapture. If that is ever the
case, the more we know about the enemy, the better.
7.
Buy an enormous, full Korean wig that cascades
thick locks of hair down your back to your waist.
June 6, 2006 is no time for a pregnant woman to be
walking around looking like a young boy, lest she be
mistaken for Mia Farrow.
