At what point in history did snakes lose their vocal cords and legs?  Creation Scientists turn to the Bible and the continent of Africa for an answer.

Freehold, Iowa - Most True Christians™ acknowledge that the key to solving the greatest mystery of Creation Science may lay buried deep within the heart of African jungle. Creation Scientists agree that snakes lost their vocal cords along with their legs between 8,000 and 7,800 BC. Today, modern Christians, like those at the newly founded, Creation Studies Institute, are spending almost a million dollars, and investing countless hours to gather the evidence needed to prove, without a doubt, to the secular scientific community, that the planet Earth was once populated with walking, talking snakes. "Christians have The Talking Snake Theory, and Atheists have Evolution," says Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "Only one can be correct.  Sadly, until us Creation Scientists can prove that snakes once had vocal cords, I expect that them silly old hell-bound evil-lutionists won't take us seriously."

Dr. Edwards is leading the first of many Creation Science expeditions to Africa. "We pick Africa because we know that Eve was in a giant garden the last time she saw a talking snake with legs," says Dr. Edwards. "The Genesis account of Creation describes something very similar to the pictures of Africa that I've seen in the National Geographic Magazines I have stuffed between my mattresses, so I'm fairly certain that Africa is where these fantastic creatures once resided.  In addition, Eve's testimony and conversation with the last known talking snake is transcribed word for word in the book of Genesis.  I'm sure it breaks the Lord's heart that unsaved secular scientists have stooped so low as to question her eyewitness account."  

One Mystery at a Time: 
"Where Did Negroes Come From?" Can Wait

Last Tuesday, to show how focused the Creation expedition team to Africa is on solving one mystery at a time, the Creation Science Research Center declined funding from a wealthy but misguided Independent Baptist, who wanted to hitch a ride with the crew to conduct unnecessary research on the origin of Negroes. "We're not concerned here with the mystery of how Negroes came to populate a continent that was originally dominated by proper white folks," says Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "That's no mystery at all, actually. The Bible makes it perfectly clear in Genesis 9:18-29 that there were no coloreds around until after the time of Noah. God turned Noah's son, Ham, into the first Negro as a punishment for staring at his drunk daddy's tallywhacker. Creation Science evidence also shows that God gave Ham and all of his male Negro descendants enormous tallywhackers of their own, to prevent them being curious about white folks. In any case, the first Negro most likely set foot in Ethiopia several months after the flood. Understand, Ham had to walk all the way to Africa from Mount Ararat, in Turkey and that is a great distance." Dr. Edwards also added, "African American Christians still celebrate the journey of Noah's son by symbolically reuniting through bodily consumption, Ham and Turkey, each year at their Thanksgiving tables."

"With Dr. Edwards spearheading the search for the talking snake, Landover Baptist Church members can be assured that their tithe will be going to this great effort alone," Pastor Deacon Fred recently told reporters at a press conference in Des Moines. "Unicorns, flying demons, 900-year-old people, talking donkeys, and Ezekiel's turbo charged chariot will all have to wait," he said. "We're going to prove one Bible story at a time here, and in order of historical occurrence. I think unsaved folks will be awfully surprised to find out that the more carefully we examine the data the more convinced you will be that God just snapped his fingers and poofed everything into existence."

 

 

 

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