Local News

Freehold, Iowa - "One of those Catholic girls bit my son in the ear!" shouted David Wright, during a meeting of Landover Deacons earlier this month. His son had a close encounter with one of Freehold, Iowa's notorious Catholic girls. Sassy young Mary worshipping ladies have been a longstanding problem in the Freehold community. Their vices, and their complete disregard for authority of any kind, has reached an almost intolerable level. They cut class so they can walk the streets during the day, and they fill up on liquor so they can "get loose" and lure Baptist boys into the alleys at night. Their intent is alarming to those of us who are not familair with their flippancy toward anything Godly. Clearly they serve their own sinful nature, and parade about in scantliy clad attire, with only the Devil's purpose in mind. That purpose is to lure the naturally attracive Baptist young person, into a world of reckless abandon. To draw the Godly towards the Satanic fire that burns in the furnace of every Catholic Church in the world. Underneath their burdensome skirts lies a lustful wound that is trained to ensnare within it's drenched cavity the very soul of our innocent youth.

The Church of Mary, Queen of Heaven - unfortunately located in downtown Freehold Iowa, houses a corn-a-copia of seductive young nun. These contemptible daughters of Satan make it their life's work to train innocent young women in the ways of Babylonian erotica.  They turn chaste lasses into saucy vixens faster than it takes a Mexican to down 10 shots of tequila. When the hounds of Hell are finally let loose on the street, they sweat misbehaivor at every turn. 

We believe that young Catholic girls are a spotted stain on America. They are impolite, shameful, lewd, and exibit shocking behaivor wherever they roam. These smart-aleck, snippy, irreverent teens need a good hard spanking. We don't intend to lose any more of our young boys to these sirens of Rome. Landover Baptist Church is proud to be first in putting forth an edict by which any discourteous conduct observed at the expense of our innocent young people, will be returned in a like manner subject to our Pastor's enterpretation of Mosaic Law. 
 

 

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