Please Note: This is an actual letter we received and Brother's Harry's actual response to the writer.

Greetings Landover Baptist Church, 

May God grant you the wisdom and sympathy to understand my situation and how much I need your help, herein I plead however strange or surprising this contact might seem to you, as we have not meet personally or had any dealings in the past, I humbly ask that you take due consideration of its importance and immense benefit.

My names are Mrs. Melanie Megan, I am the widow of Late Dr. Morgan Megan who is a business man, we were married for 22 years without a child and he died last year after a brief illness.

Recently, My Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to my health condition (cancer of the lever and stroke) having known my present health condition there is a deep secret which I want to share with you in full confidentiality as a co-worker in Gods vineyard. 

Before my husband died last year he had a banquets at a Trust Company valued at ($3.400.000 us dollars) Having known my health condition, I feel it will be legally proper to donate this fund to you to utilize in propagating the word of God and in building orphanage homes for less privileged people.

I am therefore, inviting you to partner with me in this strategic ministry to handle the funds the way I have stated herein, and I also want you to always remember me in your prayers for my up coming Cancer Surgery.

Please any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another person for this same purpose; I expect your favourable response urgently, indicating your full interest to this ministry partnership.

In Christ,

Mrs. Melanie Megan

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Dear Mrs. Megan:

Our church does not enter into financial arrangements (even lucrative ones) with people the Lord has already condemned to Hell. That's not to say we aren't willing to partner with thieves, embezzlers, tax evaders and other Republicans. But those folks can still repent and one day enjoy God's glory. You, on the other hand, are going straight to Hell, and there is nothing you or anyone can do about that.

You indicated that you and your husband never had children and that you have only three months to live due to stroke and cancer of the "lever." While I'm not familiar with cancer of the "lever," it sounds just dreadful. One can only wonder what horrible deed you committed to tick off the Lord so badly that he gave you cancer of an organ that doesn't even exist. But that is not the reason your name does not appear in the Book of Life. It is childlessness that ensures your fiery fate. You are one of the lesser gender, whose originating member (like all her descendants) was so weak, she could not resist temptation. That is why God makes all of you suffer in pain in childbirth and submit to your husbands when not generating offspring (Genesis 3:16). It is also undoubtedly why He inflicted you with that disgusting time of the month when everything you touch is unclean, necessitating your banishment for seven days (Leviticus 15:19-20). In any event, because of the sin of Eve, the only hope any of you gals has for salvation is to bear children. The apostle Paul, Jesus's posthumous press secretary, wrote: "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they [sic] continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety" (1 Timothy 2:15, Holy Bible (KJV, 1611)).

Since you have not had children, when you die, you fry. After all, not having children is to defy God by ignoring the only real purpose He created such an inferior gender in the first place -- well, that and to keep men from being lonely (Genesis 2:20-22). Since your husband croaked three months ago, you can't have children by him. And to have children out of wedlock is pure harlotry (not to mention that the offspring and all its descendants are condemned as bastards -- to the 10th generation, no less!) (Deuteronomy 23:2). Of course, as a widow, you could marry and have a child with your husband's brother. For whenever a man's brother dies, the man is obliged to marry his brother's wife and bear children with her (Deuteronomy 25:7-9; Genesis 38:8) (Hey, I'm just the messenger!). But three months is not enough time to carry a child from conception to birth. (If you could do that, you'd have those Roe v. Wade lovers in quite a tizzy.) And when you die, so would the baby in your womb. That poor child would then have to go to Hell as well because it never reached the point where it had the mental acuity to accept Jesus as the baby's Lord and Savior, hence the baby would roast for eternity, and that's hardly a fair fate for which you should burden a prospective child. 

So, the bottom line is that you're going to Hell, where you will burn in the hottest flames ever created every second of every day for eternity. Given that fate, I suggest you blow the $3,400,000 your husband left you on yourself. Live it up during the three months before you keel over. You've got nothing to lose (or gain, in the long run).

I hope I've been of assistance. No need to thank me. I dole out such advice selflessly. That's just the kind of Christian I am.

Here's toasting you with the Blood of the Lamb (it's only 3 Weight Watchers points a glass!),
Brother Harry Hardwick
Chair, Landover Baptist Salvation Evaluation Committee

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