Does Jesus Watch Me Go Poopy?

Dear Pastor,

My momma tells me I had better behave myself, on account of Jesus is always watching. She says He sees EVERYTHING that I am doing. Does that mean that Jesus is even staring at me every time I pull down my pants to go poopy?

Yours in Christ,

- Sue Ellen

Dear Sue Ellen,

Yes child, your mother is right; Jesus does see all. But unlike a Peeping Tom who is only able to catch a glimpse of you on the toilet through the window, the good Lord Jesus is all over your business, sniffing out every nook and cranny of your vile, sinful little body.  Praise His holy name!

You see, Jesus knows that toilet time is also a dangerous time for young ladies like yourself – filled with horrid temptations of the flesh. After all, this – along with shower time – is one of the only occasions when True Christians™ have a legitimate reason to be briefly touching their filthy sex parts. This is why Jesus carefully monitors every second spent in the bathroom, to ensure that you make haste, and no fingers go lingering around and get lost in the dirty, stinky parts of your body.

So yes, Jesus is watching you, sweetheart, but don’t worry; there’s nothing in your panties that He hasn’t seen before. Indeed, it was Jesus and His daddy who intelliguntly desined every contour and crevice of your little hoochie and poop chute, which He carefully sculpted in celestial wax before miniaturizing and beaming you inside the incubation chamber you might know better as “mommy.”

Of course, foolish liberals and depraved sex maniacs maintain that since it was God who created us in His image, this means that every part of our bodies is Godly – including our unmentionables. This is utter nonsense, of course! For just like liquor, drugs, gambling and all the books, music, and movies that are actually entertaining, your disgusting parts were created by God to TEST you, child – which is why you would do well to always express the requisite degree of intense revulsion at the very sight of your own nakedness.

Remember child, Jesus loves you, which is the reason He’s taking time out of His very busy schedule creating tornadoes and earthquakes and giving folks cancer to watch you squat down and do nature's business! If you doubt, me - just take our Bible Poop Quiz to see how obsessed the Lord is with excrement.

So, young lady- the next time you’re making a doo-doo, don’t be shy. Be thankful, child! Verily, take comfort by gazing heavenward as you push and squeal like a sweet naked sow in the mud; then at the very moment you hear an audible plop in the water beneath your soft naked rump, you can give Jesus a little wave hello!

God Bless You,

- Pastor