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May 2000
Unsaved
Idiots Sue Baptist Insurance Company
Freehold, IA-- Catholics, non-Baptist
Protestants and other non-Christians sued Landover Life Insurance Company
last Tuesday. The crux of their complaint is that the insurer charges higher
premiums for non-Landover members. The company answered the lawsuit by
explaining that its premiums are based on Christian actuarial tables. They
stated, "As True Christians, we base everything on the Bible and that includes
Old Testament life expectancies. Therefore, our policies are written for
an average life expectancy of about 247 years. We are willing to take the
losses from Godly folks not always making it to 969 like Methuselah, but
we are not about to take on the risk of insuring folks God has it out for.
We will not be in the business of rewarding the damned."
Landover
Members Seek Part of Hunt Estate
Freehold, IA--Mr. and Mrs. G. Reed,
bronze level Landover members, intervened in the long-standing probate
dispute over the estate of late industrialist, Howard Hunt. Under the terms
of Hunt's will, all living relatives of Mr. Hunt, no matter how far removed,
are to share in a portion of the gargantuan estate. Mr. Reed explained
the couple's claim: "According to the Bible, which we know is inerrant,
God violently killed all the sinners of the Earth, including the unborn
sinners, with a giant flood, leaving only Noah and his family alive. My
wife and I, along with Mr. Hunt, are descendants of Noah, hence we are
entitled to a share of the Hunt fortune." Pastors expect additional Landover
members to join the Reeds in the lawsuit.
Long Haired
Freaky People Need Not Apply
Freehold, IA-- Students returning
home in search of summer work will be surprised to find Christian signs
placed in every window of every local business in Freehold Iowa. You are
welcome to apply for work, but you should know ahead of time... you will
not be hired until you learn to respect your God, your church, your community,
and yourself. Hair trimmed neatly over the ears, not touching the collar,
is acceptable for men. Jewelry on males will not be tolerated. If you don't
like it, try Des Moines. You are not welcome here.
Demon Posessed
Liberal Arrested, Jailed
Freehold, IA-- Local police arrested
a man earlier this week for handing out anti-Christian literature and talking
about evolution near church. He was taken into custody and will remain
behind bars in the Freehold County Jail until his October 2nd trial date.
Jesus Will
Show Up Sooner or Later!
Freehold, IA-- "And when he does,"
PK Jimmy Stone told his unsaved uncle, "He is fry your good-for-nothing
unsaved butt in Hell while I sit up in Heaven and laugh!"
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