Unsaved Children Nearly Egged To Death In Annual Easter Bunny Slaughter!

Freehold, Iowa - Landover Baptist's annual Easter Bunny Slaughter For Stew turned deadly earlier this week when two unsaved children were nearly egged to death. "It was their own fault. They had no business on visiting a park near our church, especially dressed like that. The Bible says you reap what you sew!" Those were the comments to reporters from a noticeably shaken Mrs. Ina Mae Pilate, third grade teacher at Landover Elementary School, after Freehold police had completed their interrogation. Mrs. Pilate was referring to an incident earlier in the day in which six children were injured and two remain in critical condition after suffering severe blows to the head.

The incident occurred during the annual field trip the third grade takes the day before the Easter holiday. As always, the field trip ended at Freehold Central Park near the west side of the church perimeter. Once at the park, the children participated in the annual Easter bunny egging. “All True Christians know the Easter Bunny is no different than Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, witches and the like,” noted Pastor Deacon Fred at a hastily convened news conference. “It is a symbol of pagan worship. The rabbit represents extreme fertility which we all know is just a cover for rampant sexual depravity. Pagans and other Satanists have corrupted Christianity for too long by encouraging families to substitute the worship of Christ with the worship of gift-giving Santas or candy-giving rabbits. Sadly, all Christians who give up their faith for pleasures as trivial as egg hunts or baskets filled with candy will descend to Hell for eternity. We vowed 10 years ago to save as many families as we possibly can from this disastrous fate by stamping out such idolatry!”

The annual Easter bunny egging was established in 1991 to discourage families from succumbing to Satan’s secular bunny temptations and to teach children at a very early age of the evils of pagan traditions. “It was Christians’ turn to mock devil-lovers for a change,” noted Pastor. Students spend the Wednesday before Easter in school hard-boiling dozens of eggs. “The longer the egg boils and the harder it gets, the better,” observed Mrs. Pilate. Once the eggs have cooled, the children dye them with food coloring, the most popular color being blood red. The following day, each student carries an oversized basket of eggs to the park.

Shortly before the students arrive, 50 young bunny rabbits grown at Old Man Tucker’s ranch are released into the park. After the children are lined up, the teacher blows the whistle, and each student chases down bunnies, hurling eggs directly at the heads. The goal is to execute as many symbols of the devil as possible. “This obviously isn’t a full-blown Old Testament-style stoning,” noted Mrs. Pilate. “We use eggs instead of rocks and bunnies instead of people. These are children, after all. The eggs are malleable enough that the rabbits survive quite a few hits, thereby giving all the children, including the smaller ones, a shot at an animal.” When all the rabbits are finally killed, the carcasses are gathered and boiled, and the meat is used to make a large stew. The students who killed the first and second most rabbits then present the stew to the group at the local synagogue for their Passover feast as part of Landover’s outreach to the unsaved. “For years, we’ve had the kids tell those Hebrews that it’s beef stew,” noted Pastor. “And they’ve responded that it’s the most flavorful beef stew they’ve ever eaten. This makes the whole event fun for our adults as well as the children!”

About halfway into this year’s egging, Mrs. Pilate became concerned when she heard soft groans coming from one area of bushes where a large congregation of egg-throwing third graders had congregated. There, she found several toddlers in bunny costumes writhing on the grass. Apparently, the preschool center at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow had brought a dozen of its youngsters, dressed as Easter Bunnies, to the park to hide eggs for the remaining children to find later in the afternoon. The third graders had mistaken the three- and four-year olds for actual rabbits. “I screamed at the students to stop the egging, but they were oblivious,” noted Mrs. Pilate. “They had this glazed look in their eyes and kept throwing. We had been reading the Book of Leviticus earlier that week and I suppose they were just in a frenzy of righteousness. Fortunately, this happened late in the day, so they soon ran out of eggs.”

The identities of the wounded Catholic youngsters have been withheld because of their ages. However, police report that three suffered only mild concussions and herniated discs and should be released from the hospital in just a few weeks. Two, however, remain in critical condition due to multiple closed head injuries. One student is in fair condition after being treated for fractures of the hip and pelvis. He was apparently the victim of throws by young Bob Nosam, the class dyslexic. The Catholic group’s teacher, Mrs. Edna St. James (divorced), is in fair condition but still unconscious as she was struck repeatedly while attempting to rescue her students. Hospital officials earlier stated Mrs. St. James was pregnant, immediately causing great concern among all -- primarily regarding the identity of the father. However, officials have retracted the earlier claim, saying the blood samples they tested from Mrs. St. James’ skin and clothes turned out to belong to a cottontail.

Brother Harry Hardwick of the Landover board of deacons was quick to defend the children when flagged down by reporters as he left the news conference. “I know there are some in the liberal media who will actually blame our children for this incident. But the injured juveniles were the spawn of unsaved idol worshipers who should have known our children use that park every Easter week. Our students had just been lectured about God’s commands that homosexuals, witches, adulterers and idolaters be stoned until they are dead. Nevertheless, our children managed to stop before anyone was killed, thereby showing even more restraint than God commands, even at their tender ages. I also think it is beyond coincidence and beyond irony that the kids they encountered just happen to be among those people God says must die. The Lord does work in mysterious ways.”