Press Release

In a closed meeting last Tuesday, Landover Baptist Pastors and Deacons were given a hands on demonstration of a modified version of the brand new popular video game, Unreal Tournament 2004®. Local Christian computer whiz kid and self-proclaimed, Jesus Geek, Timothy Huxton, spent the last week tweaking his advance copy of the Unreal Tournament Special Edition Map Editor to create what he calls the first True Christian® mod of its kind on the internet. "Timothy stayed up way past his curfew to get this done," remarked Pastor Deacon Fred. "And this is the first good thing that ever came out of a child who stayed up past midnight." Nevertheless, Timothy's mother will have to pay a $200.00 fine for accumulating curfew violations and not stopping her son from skipping Sunday School last week to FTP the final version of his 400 MEG Bloody Interruption of the Passion of the Christ Map to the church LAN.  "It took me over a week to get the noses on the Jewish characters long enough so that you can easily tell who the enemy is," said Timothy.  "You just have to make sure when you pancake them with your hovercraft, that you get out of the way quickly because their noses fly off and explode, and send out a wicked-sick spray of deadly acid."

Those present at the demonstration were amazed to see the detailed maps and characters Timothy had created for the game. "I felt my heart flutter with excitement when Timothy rescued Jesus in the nick of time and was able to position Him in a spot under a tree on the Mount of Olives and use a sniper rifle to kill over 20 Sadducees before they even knew what was coming," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "But I was not pleased when a Muslim character snuck up behind Him and shot His head right off His shoulders!" And the character made a derogatory comment about the Lord, calling him a 'camper.'" Timothy explained that there was still a bit of tweaking to do in order to put Jesus into a "god-mode" without allowing the other characters to be in "god-mode" as well. Further, Pastor asked that the command that allows Jesus to drop his loincloth and activate a sexually suggestive bio-gun that shoots gooey green globs be deleted from the game. Pastor Deacon Fred was adamant about holding back the release of the Christian maps to the public until Timothy could ensure him that Jesus wouldn't get killed in the game. "Although it was thrilling to see Jesus killing sinners and hearing the announcer say things like, "ultra kill!" and the words "Jesus is on a rampage!" and "Jesus is unstoppable!" pop up on the screen, I cannot in good conscience allow Timothy to release his maps and characters to the general public until he can get Jesus into this so-called, 'god-mode' thing. Only Jesus' Daddy is authorized to torture and kill our Savior.  And the reason for this is that the gruesomeness of God killing Jesus for our sins somehow loses it's significance for children if Jesus gets Himself killed every other time they play the game."

Church members spent a good part of the afternoon testing out four maps on the church LAN. Timothy explained the rules of what he called, Christian Insta-Gibbing Death Matches. He also took each player on a complete tour of each map. "The first map is just kind of a fun map where you are back in Bible times in Jerusalem, only Jesus and his disciples are armed with modified shock rifles," he explained. "Those of you who are unfortunate enough to be randomly picked as an unarmed Pharisee or Sadducee probably will end up spattered in blood against the Wailing Wall of Jerusalem if any of the disciples or Jesus' mother, Mayhem Mary, get within firing range. I doubt whether you can even jump fast enough after you re-spawn without getting blown away again." Timothy explained that all the Pharisees and Sadducees respawn just outside the city gates and near the wall. "Once you get Jesus into a good position on the Mount of Olives, you can basically just sit up there with the other disciples and use your sniper scope to kill people who are trying to crucify you from 800 meters away before they even know what's happening," he said. "It's called fragging, and when Jesus starts fragging there is nowhere you can hide. I found that out the hard way yesterday when I played Joseph."

The next map is a map of Jerusalem in 1988. "I wanted to create a map that would show what it would be like if Jesus kept his prophecy and was true to His word in coming back a generation after Israel became a nation in 1948, since if Jesus had kept his other prophecy about returning before all his disciples had died, the scenery would have been indistinguishable from when you play in Pre-Resurrection Kill Mode," Timothy explained. "I did my best to make the map as Biblically accurate as possible.  The whole city is littered with corpses of unsaved Jews and Muslims that Jesus and his bloodthirsty army of Christians on flying horses came back and slaughtered. The whole map is basically just going out and searching for stray Jews and Muslims to kill. I added a Billy Graham character and a Jerry Falwell character to fight alongside Jesus, and I think it really gives it an authentic feel because I worked it so they are the only characters who are able to take money from people they kill to increase their score. 

The third map is basically the same thing but Jesus shows up in New York instead of Jerusalem. The one cool thing about this map is that the dead carcasses of unsaved people are piled almost as high as the buildings and some of the disciples who have better jumping skills, like the Apostle Peter, can get up there with their sniper rifles.  You get a better view of the alleys in the city where it's easier to see the few remaining unsaved people who are trying to hide from Jesus who is armed with a flack cannon, and what I call the Big Friendly Gun (BFG).  It's totally awesome to see Jesus fulfill his promise to finally kill all the people who don't believe He is the Son of God, and with the BFG, He can wipe out hundreds of them at a time.

The final map is called, The Dead in Christ map. "You have to work to get your weapons in this map, so it's kind of different," explains Timothy. "It takes place right at the time of the rapture. Every character is a dead Christian who respawns in a cemetery outside of San Francisco. You just head toward the city and feed on the flesh of the unsaved until your character is powerful enough to be granted a glorified body and a lightning gun. If you find a homosexual (they are easy to spot because they have their flies open and are always prancing around in running shorts or sodomizing someone on a park bench or a fountain) all you have to do is just bite off their tally whacker and you are instantly powerful enough to get a lightning gun. Once that happens, you can just start killing everything.  Another really cool thing about this map is that because you are raptured and undead, you can't die, so when policemen try to shoot you, they can't kill you. You just keep on walking around even though you might be missing some body parts.

Timothy is expected to be finished modifying the game to suit Pastor Deacon Fred's demands by early April of 2004. He expects to see his maps slowly bleed out to the thousands of Unreal Tournament 2004 servers all over the world soon after that. "Who would have thought that an evil game made by disgusting, filthy, godless, unsaved people could be modified to win folks to Christ?" Pastor remarked. "Timothy Huxton is certainly using the gifts God gave him to be a missionary and spread the Good News to the four-eyed geeks that play this nonsense -that when it comes to angry killing machines, nothing beats the Lord Jesus!"

 

 

 

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