St. Patrick's Day

Freehold, Iowa - March is now upon us. It is the month that Catholics cause to come in like a lion eating True Christians™, and Baptists rescue and make go out like the Lamb of God. Right at this very moment, the Pope is instructing his new cardinals, all wearing dresses the color of Satan's rump, to open the lower dungeons of the Vatican and let loose their annual storehouse of malignant leprechaun spirits to steal gold from wealthy, blessed Evangelicals and spread green leprosy into the homes and upholstery of True Christians.

As always, Landover Baptist is well prepared for the demonic onslaught this year. "Saint Patrick's Day is like green beer - something the Lord never intended," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "We always get a little taste of Catholic Hell on this 'so-called' holiday, made popular by Irish layabouts, who seem to think it is a badge of honor to come from an island without snakes – even though it is chock-full of potato-boiling drunks. Fortunately, we have learned enough about Catholics in the past year to gird ourselves in the armor of faith and prepare for the invisible onslaught. For example, thanks to the work of several fearless Baptists who worked spiritual reconnaissance as undercover Sisters of Mercy last year, we now know that St. Patrick's Day is referred to by all members of the Catholic cult as 'Green High Mass.' The "High" is a reference to the opium-laced incense they swing around in a big brass ball until the entire congregation is coughing and screaming like Matthew Perry for one more hit of incense. After several incantations by the priest, the leprechauns usually shilly-shally their way out from under the toadstools they use to mark their little green graves at the front of what the Catholics call their "church." Ignorant folks think that leprechauns look like precocious midgets with a little clay opium pipe, but I've seen scores of them and I'm here to tell you that they all look like hamsters in a cheap suit."

So as not to be surprised by renegade leprechauns, Landover security officers, painted green, crouch low, in wait for the leprechauns. "They usually try to get in by the east gate," says Sgt. Richardson. "We go through the same thing each year, and we are prepared with enough ammunition to blow an army of those little green demons straight back to Hell!" Following a 100-year-old tradition, 2,000 Landover Security Officers start firing into the trees at midnight on Saint Patrick's Day. The ammunition runs out about six hours later, and on good faith, the officers leave the scene, knowing in their hearts that the forest floor is littered with piles of dead leprechauns. "If it weren't for them crafty Catholics believing in reincarnation, that would be the end of it," laments Pastor Wilkins. "But those little green demons just take on a new form." Church officials remark that all of the trees in Freehold, Iowa sprout green leaves about a month after each slaughter. Creation Scientists at Landover Baptist University for the Saved say that the green in the leaves occurs when green leprechaun blood mixes with tree sap and is pumped by each of the tree's hearts into the leaves. "Those leaves are just like those sneaky leprechauns," says Pastor Wilkins. "They look green and innocent for a while, but the Lord finally strips them of their disguise. By the time October rolls around, those leprechaun leaves are bright red, the color of Satan, just before the Lord finally kills them and causes them to symbolically "fall" just as that miserable, lying harlot Eve caused us all to do 6,000 years ago."

Pastor Deacon Fred explains that leprechaun blood not only causes trees to sprout green leaves each Spring, it also is the source of an ancient Irish disease called, "leprosy." Pastor says: "Any numbskull can see that is why they are called 'leprechauns.' All you have to do is look at those critters. Most of them are missing green fingers and toes. It's hard to tell, cause they are so darned small, but take my word as a Christian - a hobo's bank account has more digits." It is common knowledge among Bible-Believing Baptists that St. Patrick, the first Jesuit pederast, was high on liquor when he made a hellish pact with Satan's cousin, the king of the leprechauns. In that pact, it was decided that only a Jesuit priest who had given his soul utterly and completely to Satan could command the visibility of leprechauns.

True Christian™ scholars note that recently, with funding from the Catholic Church, Hollywood has made several leprechaun movies in an attempt to desensitize people to the dangers of leprosy. In all of the films, they used the same photogenic leprechaun who was actually a Jesuit priest's housebroken pet. True Christian insiders tell us that during the first Hollywood Leprechaun film, nearly eight actors contracted virulent cases of leprosy as a result of having to share a make-up trailer with one of the ghastly little beasts. We also learned that the creature was not as "tame" as the Jesuit priest implied. Each day, after consuming a drink called "Black and Tan," which uses a beer made of human excrement called "Guinness Stout," the leprechaun would spiral into foul frenzy. "That little green critter attacked a cameraman's testicles and gnawed off a child's arm to the shoulder," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Children wouldn't be so eager to sit down to a bowl of Lucky Charms, if they knew how many little tykes before them have looked down to see their leprosy-riddled hand drop off their little wrist and plop into a puddle of soggy cereal – still holding a spoon – while a little leprechaun on the cereal box laughed without shame."